Moving On

First: Saying Goodbye

In order to move on I felt like I needed to say goodbye. Goodbye to the beautiful little baby girl that was growing inside of me for however short of a time. (Yes I believe that baby scuba was a girl and I will tell you why later in this post.) I took the photo down off the dresser by my bed and I held it and cried. I said I was sorry that I couldn't keep her growing and that I couldn't protect her. I said that I was sorry I couldn't be her mother. I hugged the frame and through my tears I sang to her. In my song I asked God to take her safely to heaven to be with her brothers and sisters who didn't make it either. I sang "He will raise you up on eagles wings, bear you on the breath of dawn, make you shine like the sun, and hold you in the palm of his hands". Then through my tears I removed the picture and put it with all the other hidden memories. Good-bye Baby Scuba. You were mine only for a few short days, but I love you with all of my heart.

Second: Unwritten memories

There are many things that happened during this journey that I didn't write about and I don't want to forget about them. I feel like if I write them down I can stop worrying about forgetting them so I won't think about it as often and moving on will be easier.

• The Double Poke: 
• So when I was doing my menopur in the abdomen, I would get really nervous because I knew it was going to hurt. So I would get the courage to go for it and then lose the nerve at the last second, but not before the needle went in to my skin about 1/4 of the way! Then with one little bleeding hole I would have to start all over again! OUCH! Mr. Scuba and I laughed a lot about this, because really it is pretty funny. He would make me laugh as I would start the shot saying OK now only 1 poke, no test poke this time. I still ended up double poking at least half the time, and it was always the "test poke" that ended up bleeding and bruising the worst! 
• The Only After Hours RE Call: 
• One night in the two week wait, about midnight I was asleep and Mr. Scuba was about sleep walking to bed after playing video games until he probably couldn't even see straight anymore. I realized that we had not done my progesterone shot yet. So I roll over, bared my ass, and Mr. S gets to work. As he is doing the shot something feels wrong, and when he removes the needle he says "Oh Shit". This is not what you want to hear after a needle comes out of your ass! Turns out he put a sub-q 1/2" needle on the syringe instead of the 1 1/2" Intra-muscular needle that is needed! So neither of us have any idea what to do or how this is going to affect things. What will happen if I don't get the right amount of progesterone? Is the progesterone being in the fat instead of the muscle bad? So off to call the after-hours line for the first time ever. At least we got our Doctor's partner and not our actual doctor! I made Mr. S make the call. Doc said to do another shot and not to worry. So I get 2 shots in the rear that night. Oddly enough, the sub-q shot hurt way more than the IM one. Go figure! 
• Why I think Baby Scuba is a Girl: 
• So for some reason unknown to me my Mom was absolutely convinced that this was going to work and that Baby Scuba is a girl. I just laughed and thought it was cute. Then after our transfer we scanned the picture of our embyro and I put some words on the border and asked Mr. Scuba to print it out on the printer so that I could frame it and have it by my bed during bed rest. This is a completely black and white print. So when he printed it everything on the picture printed just fine except the embryo printed bright pink! Ever since then I thought of Baby Scuba as a she. 
• Thanksgiving: 
• Since most everyone there knew what we were doing, Mr. Scuba wanted to bring up the framed photo (we had one printed in the right color at the store). I agreed and loved that everyone was so excited about it. When a few people who were there asked if I was pregnant it felt wonderful to say yes.... technically. We would then explain the situation. But for those few seconds when they would look at me asking that question I felt amazing. Everyone was really positive and of course sure that it had worked and that I was going to have a big belly at my little brother's wedding in June. At that time I was really positive and optimistic too. 
• The Bird: 
• I am not a very superstitious person, and trust me I know how ridiculous this story is going to sound, but the whole bird/window/soul thing really gets to me. Probably because the morning that my ex-boyfriend's mother died, we woke up in her house to a massive extraordinarily detailed outline of a huge bird across the bay window in front of the couch bed. We could see the intricate patterns of the feathers, the outline of the beak, the details of the feet. There was no bird found beneath the window. At this time I didn't know the superstitious meaning of this, but then he explained that a bird tapping on or imprinting on a window is a message from the other world that they are there to take a soul to the next life. Anyway, the evening after Thanksgiving this year, I was sitting on the couch and I heard something by the window. This bird was sitting there looking straight at me tapping on the glass of the door. My Dad went over to see what it was and said that was really weird. The bird would have had to work really really hard to get to that area including navigating through a very large wood pile. It flew off very easily and I felt terrified and sick. I felt like that bird just flew off with the soul of my baby. Ridiculous I know.
• Beta:
• When I went in for my beta blood draw, I knew it was negative. I was so upset I could not stop crying. I was sitting in that chair with uncontrollable tears streaming down my face. It just seemed so unfair. The phlebotomist was wonderful though. Mr. Scuba said he has never seen a quicker blood draw in his life! 
• Another One of the Million Reasons I love Mr. Scuba: 
• A few days after we got the official word that the cycle had failed, and a few days after we got pretty drunk, I was still pretty depressed. Not only was I dealing with the hormone crash after stopping the progesterone and estrogen, of course I was pretty sad this cycle didn't work. I don't eat very often when I am sad and Mr. S really wanted me to eat. He couldn't get me to agree to eat anything, so he went into the kitchen and fried a big plate of bacon and placed it next to me in bed. He knows that I can not resist bacon. It is the chocolate of meat after all! I ate the whole damn plate!! Those were my first steps out of bed and moving on. 
• Flowers: 
• After our bad news, I sent an email. I couldn't really talk about it and told people that we didn't want to talk. A few people called anyways and of course we loved them for that. A few people simply respected our space and we loved them for that too. Then there were a few that sent flowers and that made me feel really special. My BFF and her boyfriend, and my little brother and his fiance both sent us beautiful flower arrangements. It felt like such a beautiful hug from afar. 

Third: The Plan Forward

The last step to moving on for me is always having a plan to move forward. It looks like we will have to wait until January/February to cycle with our snow babies. The super huge silver lining in that is that I can do this cycle without any drugs. No Birth control pills, no nothing! I get a whole cycle to just be me and live life and hopefully have lots of non-drug interfering sex! What a concept, I might get to have fun sex with my husband! It also means that I get to drink during the christmas parties, that I can go skiing, and maybe even scuba diving somewhere! So I am happy for the few weeks of drug free me. 

It does mean that we won't have a set schedule for our FET because I have never had regular cycles, but that is a consequence I am willing to take. I will call the RE when my next period starts and we will get going again. Hopefully 2012 is a much better year!

For now I am probably going to be on the bump boards a lot less and I am going to be blogging a lot less. I just need to live my life and move forward. These places have been my lifeline for a long time, but I need to step away for just a little while. I will be here on and off and back for sure when I start cycling again, but for now I just need some time. 

Thank you all for your love and support. It means the world to me. 

The Next Circle of IF Hell

The IVF Big Fat Fucking Fail! I knew it was coming, but it doesn't make the blow any less. At least we have our snow-babies. I am praying our take home baby is there. Unfortunately we can't start our frozen cycle until after the holidays. So we get to spend yet another Christmas with my empty uterus.

I just can't understand. We did everything right. I completely de-stressed my life. I only let positive energy in and was completely optimistic (which I never am, and this is the reason why). I ate completely organic and healthy, I didn't let a single unhealthy thing enter my body. I went to church. I prayed. I shoved countless needles in my body happily. I have bruises on my stomach, on my thighs, on my ass, on my arms. I tortured my poor body and I did it all with a big fat fucking smile on my face thinking the whole time I will do anything for my baby! I had faith, I had hope, I had it all, and it all ended with nothing.

I saw a quote today that really does sum up exactly how I feel right now:

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" ~Laura Bush

One Lonely Little Line

That is a sight I have seen far too many times. One sad lonely pathetic crushing little line. I took a home pregnancy test this morning and it looked like every one I have ever taken in my life. Stark white. My heart was beating so fast during those two minutes. I just knew that second line would pop up and I could jump and yell and scream with excitement like I have dreamed of doing for so long.

The longer I stared at that screen the further my heart sank. I squinted, I stared, I willed a second line to magically appear with every bit of my being. Nothing. I have never looked so hard at a pregnancy test in my whole life. I have never wanted this more than I do now. Instead I am crushed.

Here it is again, that horrible awful feeling that I will never experience a life growing inside of me. That I will never hear the sound of my own baby's cry. That I will never have a family of my own. That I am not meant to be a mother.

New Job!

I accepted a new job today and I am elated! I know it is a pretty crazy time to accept a new job, but if infertility has taught me anything at all, it has taught me that I can not make any decisions based on what may or may not happen. If this IVF worked, I may end up on Maternity leave relatively soon, but if it didn't... well you know. My current job environment is so toxic that I really really needed to get out. Plus this is a huge raise so that helps too.

The new job has been in the works for months, but I didn't want to talk too much about it because I didn't want to jinx anything. I went back and forth believing that I was ever going to get a new job. It seemed like it was going to work out and then something got in the way and then back and forth for months. Sound familiar? I am really praying that the other roller coaster that I have been on ends just as well in the next couple of days!!

My First Blog Award

After going insane in the 2ww, seeing this blog award really made my day! Liebster is the German word for beloved or favorite. It is specifically designed for blogs with 200 followers or less. So thank you so much to Our Life in Cycles for making me feel special today. 

To share the love I am to pass this on to 5 bloggers that I follow and love. There are so many great blogs that I follow, so this is going to be tough. So here they are in no particular order:

1. Heather for Life After 11 Thoreau
2. Aime32 for Life As I Know It
3. Jen for Beyond Jennifer and Jason
4. Katie for The Zawisloks
5. Happilyhomespun for Life, Infertility, and the pursuit of a family

Shouldn't I Feel Different?

I keep feeling like I should feel different right now. Shouldn't I feel pregnant if this is working? As a woman, shouldn't I know if there is a life growing inside of me?

I just feel like me with some cramps and really sore breasts. I know every twinge and every "symptom" is due to the hormones I am taking and I don't expect to feel early pregnancy symptoms because by now I know better than that. But I still feel like there is a part of me that should know.

I had a wonderful dream last night that I saw a beautiful healthy growing fetus on an ultrasound. I then gave birth (quickly and painlessly! Well.. it is a dream right) to a beautiful baby girl with bright red curly hair!

I guess in my dreams I believe it worked, but when I wake up, I just feel like me.  After everything we have been through, it just feels impossible to truly believe this will work.

Thankful

Today I am thankful for the most amazing husband in the world, an amazing family, and that I am pregnant until proven otherwise!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!

We Have Snowbabies!!

4 of them! Seems appropriate with the season!! Having so many make it to cryo makes me even more certain that we made the right decision with the single transfer!

I feel sad for the ones that didn't make it. I know it is a part of the process, but those were my babies too. I will be saying prayers for them as well.

For now we have snowbabies and hopefully a sticky baby too!!

Introducing Baby Blast Scuba

After much discussion and the doctors STRONG recommendation that we transfer only 1 embryo - that is  exactly what we did.

Of the 10 fertilized embryos 8 were still growing. It looks like about 6 will probably make it to freeze and we transfered the very best beautiful expanded blast today. He or She is actually with me inside my body as I type this. How wonderful is that!!

A few family members not very supportive of us transferring only one, but for us it was absolutely the right decision. The doctor said that if we got pregnant with 2 that we would have over a 60% chance of twins. That is just too high for us. Twin pregnancies are always high risk and I am a pretty small person. Then there is the double cost for everything, double feedings, double crying, double the craziness, and yes double the love and amazingness. Don't get me wrong, I would be thrilled with twins, but I need to put mine and the babies health first and with twins there are so many more land-mines. I know exactly why people transfer 2, and a part of me really wanted to, but what I want more than anything is just a normal single pregnancy. I hope that is not too much to ask after dealing with the heartache of infertility.

I have faith that we made the very best decision for us.

So without further delay, I would like to introduce our beautiful expanded blast - i.e. Baby Scuba

No News Is Good News

We didn't get a call to come in this morning for a last minute 3 day transfer. That means our little embabies are still growing strong! I wish I had a little more information about them, but then again maybe I don't!

We did get a call yesterday about the sperm and they were able to use all fresh sperm. That means we still have ALL of our frozen sperm left if we need it in the future!!!!!!!

I am sending all the love in the world to my little embabies praying with all I have that our take home baby is there right now just waiting for us.

Grow Embabies Grow!!

So we got our fert report this morning - of the baker's dozen, 11 were mature and 10 fertilized normally!!! We are still waiting to find out if they had to tap into the cryo sperm or if the fresh was enough. I have a feeling the fresh was used, but we will find out soon. For now we have 10 little embabies growing in a lab right now. That just feels so strange to me. Is it weird that I already feel protective of them?

The office did a GREAT job of freaking me out this morning though. When I called after 9 per my instructions, my nurse who is always sooo bubbly and nice and wonderful was very awkward and told me that they hadn't made a 3 day or 5 day transfer decision yet and they would call me back in 10 minutes. When I got off the phone I told Mr. Scuba that it just didn't sound good. I told him they were probably going to get Dr. T to deliver whatever bad news was waiting for us. Then Mr. Scuba convinced me I was just being paranoid. Fast forward to 10 minutes later - Dr. T was on the phone. He asked how I was doing I and just burst out with "well not good anymore since you are the one calling so it has to be bad news!" He said "oh no!!! I just wanted to see how you were doing!" He then gave me the report and then felt really bad for almost killing me by heart attack!!!! We laughed a bit about it, but man did he freak me out!

We will most likely be doing a 5 day transfer on Monday, but we are on call for a 3 day transfer on Saturday if necessary.

So there it is, we have 10 embabies growing in the lab. I just want to be with them every second of every day.

Margarita and a Kiss: Home From Retrieval

Today was a good day! The short version: We had fresh sperm and got 13 eggs!

The long version: We started off by getting some amazing new: Mr. Scuba's sample from yesterday had 100,000 sperm!!! He went in for 2 this morning as well so we are hoping to get some more. I was so happy when he told me, I cried!!

So around 9:30 they took me in and got me into the gown etc.. and then into the evil looking procedure room. The anesthesiologist was really nice and really gentle. They got the IV in and then got all my lady parts washed out. The anesthesiologist said it was time for a margarita, so I asked Mr. Scuba for a kiss first. The nurses all laughed and said "A margarita and a kiss: the perfect makings of a baby!" I thought that was really cool and sweet.

Then it was time for Mr. Scuba to leave. I don't really remember because that is when they started with the good drugs. The next thing I remember was waking up in the recovery room. I expected to feel horrible, but honestly I just had some mild cramping. I was pretty out of it. They were feeding me sprite and saltine crackers. When they had me go to the bathroom, I think that was the worst part.

The Doctor came in and said we got 13 eggs which is great. I was honestly hoping for a few more especially with the amount of follicles I had, but the doctor was really encouraged. Mr. Scuba calls them our little baker's dozen!

I got dressed and we headed home. I am now on the couch relaxing, knitting, and praying that those little eggs and sperm turn into beautiful little embryos!

Trigger Tonight!!

We got the official word today that we will trigger tonight at 11pm for a 10am Wednesday retrieval!! I am really excited!

They are a bit worried about Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome (OHSS) and cut my HCG trigger in half. When the nurse explained what OHSS means and what they have to do if they need to drain fluid from my abdomen, I about passed out!! That does not sound like fun at all! I just have to keep my eye on the prize. We are so close!

Almonds to Tennis Balls!

That is the comparison the nurse made about my ovaries today! She said they started out at the size of almonds and they are now almost the size of tennis balls!! No wonder I can't button my pants!

Looks like I will trigger tomorrow for a Wednesday retrieval!!!

"How Are the Follies?"

Mr. Scuba is so cute. After each monitoring appointment, he calls and asks "how are the follies?"

When I get cold at night laying in bed he will make sure to warm me up because "we can't let the follies get cold!" I love him so much!

So the follies are doing great. My meds were lowered a lot yesterday and we started ganirilex to prevent early ovulation. So I am up to 3 shots a day now! Dr. T warned me today that I will probably experience mild OHSS. I am not worried. I am willing to do anything for my babies. Retrieval will probably be sometime in the middle of next week!

1st Follie Check

I have 25 beautiful little follies growing strong!! The Duggars might have some competition!

The Hormones Are Starting to Get to Me

So last night I had a dream that my in real life BFF got pregnant by her boyfriend by accident and had a beautiful baby all before we were able to get pregnant at all. I woke up truly angry and started crying. Then I started thinking about how no one in my real life seems to really get this. I started feeling like I am not getting enough support from those around me who know what is going on, especially my BFF. I was thinking they really just don't get how truly gut wrenching this whole process is. Then I started craving chocolate which I am allergic to which made me cry even more, then I finally cried myself back to sleep.

So that was my first hormone induced bout of craziness! All of the fears and feelings although clearly amplified came from very real places. I really don't think people who have not been through this can possibly understand and I can not blame them for that. They really are there for me and supportive though. Last night I was sitting at the dinner table after a family meal and my Sister-in-law started asking questions about the process and my mother-in-law got in on the conversation and it was nice. It was really nice that they were letting me jabber on and on about what I was going through and how Private Practice isn't a very accurate version of this. They were being so sweet and kind. My family talks to me all the time about this process and is very positive and supportive. My BFF has talked with me a lot about this process and she really has been there for me. It has only been a few days of stims and while for me this is earth shattering, it really is just a few days of shots. I hope she calls to check on me soon, but I know she will, she has always been there for me.

Then I had a dream that a scary duck ate my ring right off my finger and I woke up crying again. Silly hormones!

The Real Initiation

I feel like last night was a true full initiation into the world of infertility. I had to give myself my first menopur shot in the bathroom of a party last night! I couldn't miss my sister-in-law's birthday party, but I couldn't miss my shot either, so I thought no big deal I will just do it in the bathroom. I am still laughing at myself today for thinking that was going to be easy. First of all, it was the first one, so it took forever to mix everything. Second, it was a little hard to sneak Mr. Scuba in there without people noticing. Third, it burned so bad I came out looking white as a freaking ghost!! Fourth, well it bled a lot so I ended up with blood on one of my favorite shirts! No one seemed to notice anything though, except my sister in law who knows what is going on.

The point I guess is that I did it. I lived my regular life and my infertile life simultaneously and survived.

First Injection....

Check! 225 of follistim is now coursing through my body! I can't believe this is actually happening!

Now I want to go and look up every side effect because I am nervous, but I don't want to because I don't want to give myself any phantom side effects either! All this nervous excited energy... ah to start something new.

It Feels Like Yesterday

It feels like just yesterday we were sitting in despair with no hope and no answers and nothing but a big bunch of bad news. It feels like just yesterday we got on this raging roller-coaster of doubt, of fear, of uncertainty, of pain, and anguish. It feels like just yesterday I never believed I would be at this day.

We are now standing at the precipice of hope, that really scary part of the roller-coaster where you have made it through so many of the big ups and downs and you think you might be at the end, but you really have no idea what is in store. What we have today is that huge squint your eyes hard, brace for anything, and hold on tight hope. Hope, something I never thought we would actually have.

Wednesday our baseline went very well and I start injections tomorrow morning. A little needle in a fancy case full of possibilities.

God, tonight I pray to you with everything I have in my soul: Please turn this hope into a miracle. Amen.

Top Ten Favorite Things About Infertility

10. No more timed intercourse - we just have sex for fun - unless Mr. Scuba is having sex with a cup...

9. No more pesky two week waits each month. I will know full well whether or not I might be pregnant

8. How many people get a picture of their baby at conception

7. Not nearly as many crazy's drive by's and trolls on the infertility board. I think they might be afraid of us, I mean IF is contagious right?

6. Meeting amazingly strong, beautiful and supportive women who know exactly how you feel

5. I can drink whenever I want without worry... well almost

4. If another heroin addict decides to burglarize my home, they will probably go straight to the needles and leave the rest of my crap alone!

3. If I have a breakdown for no reason - I can just blame it on the IF

2. Any weight gain can also be blamed on good old IF

and the number 1 favorite thing about infertility - LUCKY SOCKS!

Birthday in Banff

I had a wonderful amazing birthday with my husband in Calgary and Banff. They sent him there for business over my birthday, so as a gift, he took me too! I had a wonderful 5 day birthday vacation. I did a little shopping, ate some great food, stood on a glacier, and spent time with my wonderful husband in one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen in my life!

Just outside Banff

Lake Louise

Mr. Scuba on a glacier

At first I didn't really feel like I was in a different country, but then I started noticing some very different things.

• everyone seemed really nice and smiled a lot!
• everything was clean and felt safe. I didn't see one piece of litter or graffiti anywhere!
• The Canadian police have WAY cooler uniforms than the police in the States. 
• A LOT more people smoke there. 
• If you don't make a reservation at a restaurant, no matter how empty the restaurant is, you are guaranteed a table by the bathrooms!
• All the hotels have HUGE fluffy pillows. They look great, but oh my poor neck.
• Even when inside out of the cold, no one takes their jackets, gloves, or hats off. I didn't want to look out of place, but I was sweating like a crazy person!
• Canadians seem to respect there environment a lot which I love!
• My favorite thing - the maternity leave is PAID for a whole YEAR!!!!!!

The crazy thing is that with all the wonderful things we got to do, my favorite thing was the last hour before I had to go to the airport. Mr. Scuba and I spent 30 minutes walking around a beautiful park, holding hands and just talking. I enjoyed that one on one time with him more than anything I have done in a very long time. 

What in the Hell Was That?

So about midnight I woke up with the worst cramps I have ever felt in my entire life! I thought my body was trying to compress my uterus out of existence. I ended up in the shower vomiting just praying the heat would help. About 30 minutes and a lot of chunks later (I know great visual right? Imagine how my drain feels) I finally started to feel better. There was actually a moment where I considered calling an ambulance because something had to be really really wrong.

Once the pain subsided I finally fell asleep. I called my REs office in the morning and the nurse thinks it was just that I am so close to the placebo on the birth control pills and the hormones are messing with me. She said if it happens again to come in but that she isn't worried. Well she wasn't me in that shower last night!

What 9lbs and $2,076 looks like

HOLY $H!T

I Need Your Help Readers!

Ok wonderful readers, I really need your help. There is a small possibility that I will have 3-4 weeks off of work during my IVF cycle. I love that I may have the opportunity to really make this experience as positive as possible rather than trying to do 3 peoples job in half the time. I would love to just focus on this experience and not have to worry about the unbearable stress at work, but I also don't want to have too much time on my hands to obsess over the cycle.

So here is where I need your help: If you didn't have to work during your IVF cycle what would you do with your time during the stim period, the ER and transfer, bedrest, and the two week wait? I can use all the ideas I can get to keep me busy, focused, and positive. Thanks in advance!!

Over 1 Million and Counting!

Last week we started seeing sperm on the microscope so we decided that it was time to get back to the lab. On Friday we got another 200,000 sample into cryo. Today, we got another 200,000 sample into cryo. We now have a total of more than 1 million sperm. Mr. Scuba will go back again on Wednesday and on Friday. We don't know how long this will go on for.

This is just so crazy. This is the first time since August that we have seen anything on the microscope and we started seeing it exactly when we predicted that we would - approximately 70 days from the last time. This means that Mr. Scuba does produce sperm, but only for 1 week out of every 70 days. It was an absolute miracle that we used the mircoscope for the first time on the right week, and it is a miracle that we were able to find them again.

This is making me and the doctors feel better about our chances with IVF. Each additional sample frozen makes the chances of empty eggs at retreival seem smaller and smaller. I am so thankful for that!

This Should Be A Good Day

But I can't stop crying. I start Birth Control Pills today for our IVF cycle. I thought this post was going to be how freaking ironic it is that I have to take birth control to get pregnant. Not today. I am blogging in tears instead.

We got horrible news today from the doctor that the meds Mr. Scuba was taking are no longer working and the pituitary has shut down and the testicles have given up. We took him off the meds and are hoping against all odds that maybe without the meds we will get some random reset and somehow start seeing sperm again.

My work environment has become almost unbearable. We really need the money, but I am just not sure how much I am willing to put up with anymore. Mr. Scuba thinks that it is time for me to put in my resignation even without another job. I would love nothing more, but I may have another offer coming soon and I think I am going to wait to see if I get that job. Either way, I think I need to spare myself the stress during my IVF cycle. I don't know how it is going to happen, but I need to figure it out soon.

We have been trying to sell our house for 2 years now and even though we had a showing today, we still can't get it sold. I am going insane. I am so tired of living in this house with all the burglaries and drive-by shootings. I am so ready to move on, but we can't move on from even this!

My sanity really needs something to break. I don't know what, but something needs to give. I really hope it's the kid, but honestly a lot needs to give right now. I just don't know how much more I can take.

Even though this day has sucked and am still trying to be as excited as possible about beginning our IVF journey!!

The Best IF Sister EVER

Check out my awesome IVF care package:

On the first day of my cycle that marks the beginning of
our IVF journey, my most amazing and wonderful friend known by bump name Gregermis sent me an incredible care package. It had awesome candy, foot scrub, scented candles, an amazing card, a beautiful poem, and amazing socks. She actually hand knitted the penguin pair!!!!!!!

Yes, it has a tail!!!

Gregermis and I met on the bump board back when we were both gleefully new to trying to get pregnant. We became fast friends and trying to conceive buddies. We even got to meet when I was in Seattle last October for my birthday. She has become one of my closest friends in such a short time. She is the friend who truly understands how I feel. We talk almost everyday. Somehow both of us got that dreaded invite to the silent sororiety of infertility. As we have navigated this painful new world, we have laughed, we have cried, and we understand so clearly the pain the other feels. She has become so incredibly important to me. I wish that someone I love so much didn't have to go through this painful journey, but I feel so blessed to have someone who I love and trust to go through this with. Gregermis, you are an amazing, generous, talented, beautiful woman! Thank you for being in my life.

The Stork Balloon Flew!!

At the beginning of my cycle prepping for IVF the stork balloon finally flew!

Ok, a little back story: a year ago, during our still naive and we will conceive easily like everyone else phase, we went to the balloon fiesta like we do every year. That year I noticed for the first time that there was a balloon shaped like a stork with a baby!! I was so excited! We got our picture with the balloon and just knew it was a sign. Then... the balloon failed to take off. All the other balloon had launched, but the wind picked up and the stork couldn't fly. After a long attempt, they just took the balloon down and called it a day. I was crushed. Mr. Scuba kept telling me it didn't mean anything, but somehow I knew it did.

Well this year, we went back to the balloon fiesta and the stork flew!!! It was however tethered so that it could give little kids 15 foot rides, but it flew. It actually flew a bunch of times with a bunch of happy giggly kids that got to go up in a real hot air balloon! I feel like this is a sign again, but a much better one this time. Oh and if I have a girl, I always wanted to decorate with butterflies. Well, this year one of the new balloons was the most beautiful butterfly balloon I have ever seen! I hope and pray that these are good signs heading into our IVF cycle!

Odd Way of Coping

I have started noticing my very odd way of coping with friends telling me that they are pregnant. So far the pattern is I avoid them completely and then in guilt for feeling jealous and avoiding them, I knit their unborn child a blanket. I have no idea how this is helping anything. Maybe it helps me believe that they won't notice that I have been avoiding them or feel bad about it if I knit them a blanket. Maybe it is the only way that I can show I still love them and care about them and still maintain my sanity. Well, regardless of why, here is the new blanket for the pregnant friend who swore for years that she would never have a child because she couldn't stand what it would do to her body:

On the plus side, I think I am getting better at this knitting thing!

An Unexpected Weekend of Serenity

At my parents. That's right you heard me right, at my parents!! We spent the whole weekend there and it was honestly like being on vacation. They have beautiful property free from all the shit we deal with at our house on a daily basis. We got to sleep with the windows open with no sirens or semi's or headlights coming in. Just fresh air and crickets. My parents took care of everything and my Grandy and I knitted.

Grandy taught me how to cable knit and we made an adorable little hat for my future baby! I have never made or bought anything for the child I long for, but to me something I knit where my sister in law taught me how to knit in the round and my grandmother taught me how to cable is way too special to give away. A little hopeful hat is OK right? I just pray there is a healthy beautiful little head of me and my husband's making to put it on.

More Fun Exchanges

Nail Polish, socks, and candy!! Love it! Gave myself a pedi already.

Priceless

1 box of ovulation predictor tests - $19

Tetracycline, Necon Birth control pills, Azithromycin, Valium, Prenaplus prenatal vitamins, estradiol - $42

Haagen-Dazs Vanilla Ice-cream to help wash down the IF anxiety - $6

The look on the pharmacists face when she asked if I was pregnant - Priceless

Thank You DawnMarie1279!!!!!

It is times like these that make IF bearable! I participated in a sock exchange with the wonderful women on the Trouble Trying to Conceive Board of the Bump, and I got a wonderful, amazing, incredible elf - DawnMarie1279. The letter she wrote to me was so personal and so beautiful, tears came to my eyes. Then the socks were incredible, and to top it all of, she got me the most beautiful frog necklace I have ever seen. I was crying crocodile tears in no time. 

It is hard to see through so much anguish, but there are many ways that our infertility journey has blessed me. One way is the network of incredible and beautiful women that I have met. Thank you DawnMarie, from the bottom of my heart. 

Come out, Come out Wherever You Are!!!

I must admit as others have done that I am a total blog whore! I never thought I would be a blogger, but since our Azoo diagnosis, this place has been a total self-serving and sanity saving venture.

What's crazy is that of my real life peeps that know about our infertility issues, none of them know about my blog, not even my own mother. Yet I love love love sharing it with all of my readers and followers.

I LOVE knowing that others read my random ramblings.

I look at my stats all the time, and I love it when people from new countries visit me! Mr. Scuba gets excited about it to! The support I get from all of you out there is a huge piece of of maintaining my sanity. I got the idea from a fellow blogger Kathy, who has quite the following, to out my lurkers and readers, so here goes!

If you read my blog, tell me about yourself!! How did you find my blog? Is there anything you would like to know about me? Extra points for funny questions!

Love to you all!

Today was better, and then...

I made the fatal mistake of going on facebook - in my messages was this:

Hey guys!! Long time no see. We have news.... I'm pregnant  (4mos) I'm not into posting such things on facebook but we wanted you to know. Let me know when you are around and have time to hang out. We'd love to see you.


I actually didn't cry at first. This is the we will never have kids couple, and I actually believed them. They truly did not seem the type.

Then, after giving my husband yet another shot in the ass, and then being intimate just enough to get his sample in the cup, I went into the bathroom and cried my eyes out. He didn't know and I couldn't let him see. Oh and the analysis was another big fat 0. Fuck facebook.

Today sucks

Going out of my mind at work, fighting like crazy with Mr. Scuba, everyone trying to take advantage of me, and oh, the photo of the article "beyonce flaunts her bump" I had to see before signing in to check my email nearly pushed me over the edge. 

I just want today to end!!

Knitting Again!!

Here is baby blanket #2. I knitted this one for my friend who is pregnant. I felt a bit bad about walking out on dinner and not talking to her for months and wanted to let her know somehow that I still care. (http://livingwithif.blogspot.com/2011/07/walked-out-on-dinner.html)

Here is the new blanket:

I ran off before she could actually open the gift, but she left me a voicemail telling me she loved it!

So Strange

We did another home count today and well it was quite void of anything. It is so so strange how in less than 2 months we can go from 0 to 500,000 and then back to 0. WTF?! I just don't understand what is going on. Are we bleeding the lines, or was this a last ditch effort by Mr. Scuba's testicles before complete death?

I must admit though that I am so very thankful of the 6 vials of sperm we do have. That is something that couples with our dx rarely get.

The Roller Coaster Continues

We are back to 4 sperm, right where we started. I have no idea what is going on. Our RE was not very encouraging. Even with the 500,000 sample and the 250,000 sample frozen, he called that minuscule amounts and suggested that may not be enough on it's own. Even if that is true, he has such a terrible way of delivering news. I am back to being annoyed by him. He even recommended donor sperm again even though we made it very clear twice already that is not an option for us! We will have a follow up with Mr. Scuba's doc at the beginning of September and he may have some better or at least more compassionately delivered news for us. We are thinking that the fluctuations may be normal and we may just be "bleeding the system". At least we hope so.

The plan: I will start the birth control pills at the start of my next cycle. Mr. Scuba will keep testing at home with the microscope. If we see another spike then we will send him back to the lab to attempt another freeze. We will start IVF in November. Hopefully by then Mr. Scuba can get more samples frozen and maybe bleed the system enough so that we can get a fresh sample as well. We will have Mr. Scuba's doctor on stand-by in case they can't get a fresh sample, all the frozen ones are dead, and they need to pull some out of the testicles themselves.

I was hoping to start IVF much sooner, but this will continue my lessons in patience. I may actually learn the art after all!

Glass Sperm

250,000 of them!!! That was just the rough estimate. There may be more. The lab tech did a quick off the top sample before it had completely liquified. She wanted to give Mr. Scuba an idea of what we were getting before we left. They have been amazingly understanding of how emotional this process is for us. My RE's office has been gaining a lot of points during this process!

So now we have glass sperm. Rather than use the classic cryopreservation, our lab is using a state of the art method called vitrification. Using this process gives us better survival rates after thaw. They take the whole sample and drop it into liquid nitrogen and freeze it very quickly. This actually puts the sperm into a glass state!!! So cool!

I am just so relieved that we now have some back-up. This might actually happen!

Our 4th Anniversary

We have had 4 amazing years together. It is amazing to me that I continue to fall more and more in love with my husband with every passing day.

Reason #8 I love my husband - he got us a mini-replica of our wedding cake for our anniversary dessert. He is so amazing!

And Our Official Lab Count is...

I cried tears of joy!!! This feels so unreal! They froze the sample yesterday and thawed part of it out today with a 50% survival rate. That is more than enough for our IVF cycle. I am so unbelievably happy! We might actually have a chance at this! He need to get a couple more good samples frozen, so our next is Friday.

I emailed Mr. Scuba's Urologist about our results and within hours he called me personally to congratulate Mr. Scuba's testicles! He is such an amazing doctor and we are so blessed to have him. He is really encouraged by this and thinks we should strike while the iron is hot, so as soon as the RE gets back from vacation we will find out how soon we can cycle!

430

That's how many sperm I saw on 3 slides this morning!!! 430 beautiful little swimmers. I am a happy girl today!

I Can Breathe

For the first time since February I feel like the air came back and I can breathe again. We are by no means out of the woods, but we have hope.

We went to the Uro, who I just love sooooooo much, and it was a great appointment! He was really encouraged by our at home results and was so impressed that we were taking an active role in our treatment.  He thinks we are certainly headed in the right direction, but as I said, not out of the woods yet. He said that because we are seeing sperm, then if we do end up needing the surgery, it is likely to be 80-90% successful.

So.....Our plan: Up the HCG just a bit to possibly increase the testosterone just a bit. Keep doing at home testing for a couple of weeks to see if the positive results continue. If it does continue, then we will go to the lab for an official sample and a freeze if possible. If we can freeze then we will freeze multiple samples and then start our cycle!!!!

As for our at home samples - well last night we counted 100 in 3 slides!!!!!

For ongoing updates on our at-home experiment results - check out the "At Home Count Stats" page!!!

SPERM!!!!!

I am so ridiculously excited!! So Mr. Scuba and I purchased an at home semen analysis kit complete with a high-powered microscope, slides, etc....

Well, we used it tonight before our WTF Uro appointment tomorrow and guess what?!?!?! WE FOUND SPERM!!!

There were maybe 3-4 good motile sperm on 1 slide and about 5-6 on the other!!! There were probably a total of 10 dead or slow ones as well. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but for an azoo girl that is some serious swimming!

They were so beautiful swimming around the slide trying to find an egg. I pray we can get them to an egg soon!

Mr. Scuba is HOME!!

And I am in Heaven! I know I sound like a wuss, but 2 weeks is a long time!!

In just 2 days I have had more fun that I did the entire 2 weeks he was gone. Granted that time was filled with funerals, shitty dinners with pregnant friends, and being stood up by my BIL, but still these 2 days have been great!

We re-arranged and re-organized our bedroom! I cooked dinner twice, and that is something that doesn't happen very often! If anyone wants an awesome and easy chicken parmesan recipe just let me know! Life is just better when he is around. I guess that's how you know you married the right one!

It's times like these that remind me, even in these harsh and horrific times, that I am truly blessed.

Gossip

So apparently our news is now gossip. Mr. Scuba made it very clear to his entire family that he did not want his aunt and uncle to know about our troubles. As a matter of fact we made it very clear to every one who knew and who did not know so that they would have people to talk about this with when they felt the need.

Well, sure as shit, we just found out that someone told the aunt and uncle who we clearly said not to tell! I am so F-ing pissed!! Our tragedy, our pain, our infertility is no one's business to be gossiping about!! NO ONES! Of course the aunt and uncle have not said anything to us, so they must have been told by the person who told them, that they were not to know! WTF!

I get people talking about family, I really do. People are concerned, they care, but this is just flat out gossip for gossip's sake! I am on a mission to find out who told them. This is crap!

Walked out on Dinner

So, I truly feel like a crazy woman now.

I ran into a friend of mine that I used to work with at a funeral for a co-worker yesterday. I looked at her and thought to myself, either she has implants or she is pregnant, then I beat myself up for letting IF make me paranoid.

Anyway - we spent a bit of the day together and then she invited me out for dinner and drinks tonight. I was excited to have a distraction from IF and DH being out of town and catching up with an old friend.

Of course then at dinner she proceeded to tell me she was pregnant. She knows full well that we are struggling with IF. I was truly happy for her. I put on the smile, asked all the questions, and started drinking (a lot). A little bit later she asked me if we had any big trips planned, to which I replied - no, IF treatments are really expensive. Then she went on this big rant about how it isn't fair who gets chosen to have children and who doesn't. I about lost my sh!t on her. I just burst out into tears and literally ran from the table. I threw some money on it before I left. I felt crazy, but I just couldn't take another second of it. Who are you to tell me how unfair IF is. Seriously? I just wanted to punch her.

My BFF came to my house with ice cream and other supplies, so I felt better later, but it hurt. I know she didn't mean anything by it and in my heart of hearts I am happy for her, but wow, that hurt.  

Crazy Woman

I was so sad about Mr. Scuba leaving town for work for 2 weeks that he wanted to do something special for me the last day he was in town. He took me to the museum of natural history so that we could go to the planetarium and the IMAX theater which we both absolutely love doing.

Unfortunately, Mr. Scuba did not realize that I am in crazy town right now! There were so many beautiful families there. Babies and strollers and adorable inquisitive kids everywhere. I thought I could take it but after only maybe 15 minutes I was the crazy woman standing in the middle of the museum sobbing! Mr. Scuba just held me tight until I could compose myself, then he got our money back and we left. We went somewhere there were a lot less kids - a bar!

Someday I will be able to go back there. Someday I will feel like myself again. Someday, but today, I am a crazy person!

The Giver of Life

God is generally revered as the giver of life, the creator of life, the one who blesses new souls and brings them into the world.

So why are amazing wonderful stable couples not deemed worthy of that blessing of life? People who really hurt their children are given that blessing every day. I can't understand it. I never will understand it.

Devestated

The results = 0 - no sperm alive or dead. Nothing. From 4 to 1 to 0.

I have never been more heartbroken in my whole life.

I don't understand how God could be this cruel.

I don't even know how to breath right now...

1 More Day

Until DH's repeat SA! and I actually have to work tomorrow. I am not sure how I am going to get anything done. I am praying so hard that we get some results. After all of this we deserve some good news.

God, please answer our prayers and let there be significant improvement.

Home and A Few More Steps Out of the Closet

This is where I spent the last week of my life. Lake Powell on a pretty great boat with a pretty great group of people.

We swam, wake-boarded, ate and drank like kings, and thoroughly enjoyed one of the most beautiful lakes in existence! We even went scuba diving! It was horrible visibility and there wasn't a whole lot to see, but I am never one to turn down an opportunity to get my fins wet!

However, with 16 people in that one tight place for a week, interesting things happen. Tempers flare, personalities conflict, and secrets become known.

We found out one night that another couple on the boat was dealing with infertility issues as well. The girl's body is allergic to the proteins in semen and not only is having it inside her very painful, but her body also attacks it with a vengeance. She was recently told by her GYN that IVF will be her only option. She was devastated because with their income they could never afford it. So Mr. Scuba and I got to tell her all about a procedure called IUI that would probably work for her and is a lot less expensive. Then of course the question came of "how do you know about this". Thing is thought that I am never afraid to tell another infertile about our situation. Any chance at making someone else's pain less lonely.

Over the course of the week almost everyone became aware of our situation and were quite supportive. I of course got the "I have a friend who adopted and then got pregnant, maybe you should do that" BS. I also got the "the mind can do powerful things, maybe you just need to relax". Crazy thing is that somehow I didn't want to go bat shit crazy on them. I understood the fear that drove them to tell me these things as if some how that random ray of (BS) hope could make me feel better. I understood their fear of accepting the reality of what we are dealing with and I understood in some weird way they were simply trying to show me compassion. I calmly explained that those things will never change our reality and watched as they searched for some mental construct to deal with the news we had just given them. Honestly I am glad they know and that we have taken a few more stops out of the IF closet. I am still very afraid of too many people knowing, especially if it doesn't work having to tell them all that it failed, but we don't have to tell them when we cycle.

3 days and counting until our repeat semen analysis. We welcome all the prayers we can get.

AF loves Vacation =(

I do go on wonderful vacations, but if AF could let me go on one without her for once I would be really really really happy about that!

She isn't really here yet, but the cramps are telling me that vampire bitch is right on time to depart with me Saturday morning. The really big problem is that we are going to be on a boat with 16 people for a week and that is not very conducive to tampon disposal. F-U AF!!!!!!!

Knitting!

So once my biological clock started ticking, a lot of other weird things happened as well. I started to crave being domestic. I wanted to cook and bake and well... knit. These are not things I have ever been interested in doing before. I told myself that I would wait until I got pregnant and then let myself indulge, but when I learned that it may take a long time to ever get pregnant, I decided what the hell and I started learning. I plan on knitting a blanket for my baby while on bed-rest so that I will have something calming and hopeful to do during that time.

Here is my first knitting project! I wanted to knit a baby blanket for a friend who had struggled with IF and gotten pregnant after her first IUI - Here is what turned out:

Now the problem is the woman who I was knitting this for just had a miscarriage. So now what do I do with it. Part of me just wants to put it in a hope chest and keep it for my baby someday. Another part of me wants to keep it for her when she gets pregnant again, because I know she will. Another part of me wants to send it to her anyway, but I don't want to make this any more hurtful for her than it already is. 

All in all, I am really proud of my first project!

Facelift

I decided to give my blog a bit of a facelift. It's not because I didn't like the look, but because I am fickle that way! I decided it was like changing my blog's outfit! Only a few touches here and there, oh and a new name. The name now matches the web address. So welcome to the new design!

Great Poem

My amazing friend, Gregermis, who is also going through IF wrote this awesome poem and I just had to share it!

To those on CD1,

and all suffering from AF's malicious fun,

to those on oral and injectable meds,

and IVFers resting in their beds.

To minds stuck in an induced hormonal haze,

who's bank accounts have seen better days,

to those on breaks and natural cycles,

whose DH's miss their bicycles,

to monitoring appointments,

and BFFN disappointments.

When our bodies feel broken,

after doctor's diagnoses are spoken,

for OOP and OPKs,

and those fleeting hopeful days.

When using pre-seed to do the deed,

we remember all those poor sticks on which we have peed.

If you've achieved success only to suffer a loss,

remember that IF is a b*tch not the boss!

To feet in the stirrups with beautiful socks,

we watch our charts and curse our clocks.

When waiting for surgeries to heal,

And when sex starts to lose its appeal,

whether it's clomid + IUI,

or a nasty case of MFI,

our phantom little ones are waiting,

whilst we brave the needles we're hating,

so raise your glass of water or wine,

to that elusive little second line,

Drink your POM and eat your core,

We will beat IF and even the score!

Reason #7

Reason #7 I love Mr. Scuba: After my all clear hysteroscopy he brought home a beautiful bouquet of flowers with an amazing card that said "You are beautiful inside and out". How amazing is he?!

Hysteroscopy = All Clear

I was so worried this was going to hurt like crazy - but it didn't and it was really cool! I got to look at my cervix, my uterus, and my fallopian tubes!! I think it was the lucky socks that helped.

Plus, the asshole RE was actually really really sweet! He even gave me a gyn dx for this procedure which saved me $440!!!

My Niece Hates Me

And I think I died a little inside.

We were at my in-laws for memorial day and my sister-in-law had her beautiful 9 month old baby girl with her. I went to pick her up and she burst out crying. I tried to feed her and she wouldn't eat, just cry. When I was holding her bottle for her, she made eye contact with me and just started screaming. The problem was that everyone else was fine for her. I was the ONLY one there that made her cry. She was terrified of me. This is the little girl who loved me when she was first born. Her mother was amazed at how comfortable she was with me then, back when we had no idea what we would have to go through to try to have a child. It's like somehow she knows, somehow my baby niece knows that I may never be a mother.

I could only take this for so long before I had a major bathroom breakdown. I came out with eye-drops to hide the obvious signs of the tears I had just shed. I cried all the way home. Someone please tell me this gets better, please, please!

Mr. Scuba's Testosterone Quadrupled!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!!!!!! I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!

We got the results from Mr. Scuba's blood work today and the Doc told us that his total testosterone went from 2.3 to 8.6!!! 8.6 is on the high side of normal! The testosterone went up 4 fold in just 4 weeks!

He did say the estrogen was a bit high at this point as well but he believes that the body will adjust properly.

I am just so happy. We really needed some good news and we got it!! Now for some super sperm at the next semen analysis in July.

I Love My Mom!

So Mother's Day was difficult for me as I imagine it was for most IFers. So I did the thing, I planted the rose bush with my Mom, hung out with the family, helped make dinner for MIL, kissed the babies... then went home and cried my eyes out!

I know I was being selfish in that moment, but I had done the unselfish thing all day. I had listened to all the baby stories, I had celebrated the day and I had done it all with a smile on my face. But in the moment of tears quiet and alone in my house I wondered if anyone had thought about what I was going through. I was sure they didn't, but of course I couldn't blame them. Even though they know what I am going through, this was their day.

Then I got the phone call from my Mom. She told me that she wanted to tell me that she knew that this day must have been so painful, more so than she could imagine. Then she said that she just knew that we would be celebrating Mother's day together next year and that she was praying for that every day. My mother is so incredible and so graceful and understanding. I am so lucky to have her in my life.

Infertility Myth: IF is God's Way of Weeding out the Weak - BUSTED

When we first received our diagnosis, I struggled with the thought that this was God's way of keeping us from having children and that for some reason we were not deemed worthy of children in his eyes. After a long struggle, many meetings with my pastor, and a lot of long and hard prayers, I realized that this was a powerful infertility myth. If this myth were true, that would never be a God I would believe in and love, and it would not be a world that I would ever want to participate in let alone bring children into.

Child abusers, rapists, murderers, drug addicts, and frauds have children all the time. For this myth to be true that would mean that they are chosen by God as having better genes and being more fit to raise a child than some of the amazing people I know that suffer with infertility. Does someone who neglects their child, abuses their child, molests their child, have stronger and better genes than we do? Is that the world that God is building? If yes, then I don't want to bring children in to such a horrible place.

What about people suffering with other genetic diseases such as cancer, heart disease, diabetes, schizophrenia, and the like? They have children all the time and rightfully so, but they also have the possibility of passing on those genes. So why should infertility be any different?

I believe the truth is that God loves all of us, blessed each and every one of us with a body that can biologically carry on that love in children, and once they have those children they have the free will to choose how to treat their blessings. Sadly because of so much evil in this world, sometimes those biological rights and functions fail us. The same as when our hearts fail us, or our cells fail us, and we are heaved onto a painful path.

Those of us struggling with infertility have a journey that is beyond hard. That path is made so much more difficult by the ignorance of those who believe this myth and the people who believe that they have a duty to remind us of their belief in such hideous things. This journey is not one of punishment, and it is not one where we are being weeded out by God. This is our cross to bear.

Every person in life have crosses that they must bear and challenges that they must endure. While Mr. S and I bear this cross together we will grow and become stronger. We will face this challenge head on with God by our sides, and whatever the outcome, we will be better and stronger for all our suffering and perseverance . When we have a choice to either give up and believe that we are being weeded out, or keep moving forward with faith, I for one will put one foot in front of the other.


For more information on issues facing people with infertility and some background on National Infertility Awareness Week - please visit http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 and  http://www.resolve.org/takecharge.*

Finally Some Good News!!

All my blood work came back great!!

FSH: 6.1 (anything under 10 is good)
Estradol: in normal ranges
AMH: 12.1
glucose: normal
a bunch of other random stuff: normal

They did say I needed to drink more water though - done and done!

It feels so good to finally get some good news, but now I feel even worse for Mr. Scuba. I know this makes him feel even more broken. He is taking it like a champ, but I know it has to hurt. Part of me really wished that I could share this burden with him and this could be an us thing instead of a him thing.

In reality though, I am glad because this gives us a better shot at the IVF being successful! I keep telling Mr. S that we are infertile, because we can't conceive a child together. I don't want a child with anyone else, so that makes it just as much me as him.

I have no more blood!

So I got my cycle-day 3 blood work done today and wowza - they took 10 vials of blood! 10! I was a bit woozy afterward! It was a good thing DH kept me laughing the whole time so I didn't think about it too much.

It seems so crazy to just be getting to my cd-3 b/w now and I am already working toward IVF. This is supposed to happen at a very different phase of TTC. We really did skip a lot.

Honestly I am nervous. I am not sure we can handle any more bad TTC news. If things are good on my end then the possibility of IVF being successful feels so much more realistic. If not then what is the point of even trying. I am just praying that the results are good. Pray pray pray....

LUCKY SOCKS!!! mm29 - You rock!

It is times like these that IF doesn't seem as lonely! The wonderful Infertility Community Board on "The Bump" had a lucky sock exchange to bring us some luck and warm our feet when they are riding those stirrups!

After a pretty bad day at work, I came home to a wonderful package from my elf mm29

and the frog socks glow in the dark!

This package brought tears to my eyes for a couple of reasons:

1. In such a harsh world, incredible acts of kindness always touch me deeply
2. Frogs are so my thing now!
3. This package was so thought out and so beautiful, it is so clear that my elf is meant to be a mother, and yet here she is in this gut wrenching boat of IF. Life just isn't fair. 

Thank you mm29 you are the best elf ever!