The Next Circle of IF Hell

The IVF Big Fat Fucking Fail! I knew it was coming, but it doesn't make the blow any less. At least we have our snow-babies. I am praying our take home baby is there. Unfortunately we can't start our frozen cycle until after the holidays. So we get to spend yet another Christmas with my empty uterus.

I just can't understand. We did everything right. I completely de-stressed my life. I only let positive energy in and was completely optimistic (which I never am, and this is the reason why). I ate completely organic and healthy, I didn't let a single unhealthy thing enter my body. I went to church. I prayed. I shoved countless needles in my body happily. I have bruises on my stomach, on my thighs, on my ass, on my arms. I tortured my poor body and I did it all with a big fat fucking smile on my face thinking the whole time I will do anything for my baby! I had faith, I had hope, I had it all, and it all ended with nothing.

I saw a quote today that really does sum up exactly how I feel right now:

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" ~Laura Bush