Why the Hesitation?

Ever since I started blogging, I love it. I love the outlet and I love the record. Lately though I have been super hesitant to post anything. I have no idea why. Am I being lazy, is it not giving me what it once was? Honestly I think things are going well and the more I talk about it the faster it will slip through my fingers. If I shout from the roof-tops, whatever good luck it is that we seem to be getting lately will disappear as fast as it came.

Well, here is my update. Of the 8 that fertilized, 7 of them made it to blast. 4 made it on day 5 and 3 more on day 6!! We were unbelievably shocked. That many making it to blast was so unexpected. Then we were told to wait about 3 weeks for our genetics report.   I was out on the little boat at Lake Powell with my little brother and my 2 cousins. We went out into the only place on the lake that we had cell service. I checked my messages and never expected to hear one from my Doctor. Then the news: 4 genetically normal embryos!!!!!!!!! I screamed so loud while listening to the message that my throat hurt for days! Needless to say that us keeping this cycle to ourselves ended at that moment. I screamed and then jumped into the lake. We then went back to the houseboat and I ran to Mr. S crying with the news. It was such a wonderful moment. That was so much better than we had even dared hope for. 4 normal babies waiting on ice to come into our lives.

We then needed to decide about when to transfer. I could get on birth control for an August transfer, but I think we both just felt like we needed a bit of a break. I really wanted to get this show on the road ASAP, but we need to spend some time med free enjoying the summer as well. So it looks like we are on track for a September transfer. I am still so scared that my body is part of the problem and will somehow kill our healthy embryos. I guess there is only one way to find out!

Retrieval and Fert Report Update

We got 10 eggs. Quite a bit fewer than was expected, but not bad by any means. 8 of the 10 fertilized, so that is a pretty good fertilization rate. Now we wait to see if we do a 3 day transfer, 5 day transfer, or if we get enough embryos to do the biopsy and freeze them all. It's going to be a long few days.

As far as the retrieval went, well it didn't go so well. The anesthesiologist sucked. He couldn't find a good vein and was poking all over. That sucked. Then for no reason at all I started crying and could not stop. Finally they just put me out just to get me to stop. I felt horrible and emotional all day long. Uhhggg, IF just does horrible things to us!

Update

Ok, so the doctor called because he forgot he had already told me that he wanted me to come in today. So everything is actually good. I feel better! Looks like everything is on track for a Wednesday retrieval!

Worrisome call

So I had my monitoring appointment today. Everything seemed fine. The follies are all growing well. There was one a bit bigger than the others but doc wasn't concerned. He said they would check the estrogen levels and would only call if there was a problem. Well.... He called and of course I missed it. He said that my estrogen is at 1200 which apparently is high. He wants to check me out again tomorrow. Of course there was no call back number so I wasn't able to ask what any of this means. I am nervous for tomorrow. I could use good thoughts and vibes if you can spare some.

Follie Check

looks like we have about 16 follies growing at all the same pace. So far so good.

Stim day 1

AF came, so stims are on.

150 follistim - AM - check!
2 vials menopur - PM - check!

I forgot just how much that menopur burns!!!

Come on follies - GROW

Baseline and Mayhem

BASELINE

Our baseline appointment went OK today. I have fewer follicles than the last time so that worries me a bit.  As everyone says it is quality over quantity, but when we need a good number of embryos for biopsy, it is really hard not to want to play the numbers game.

We have been doing so much health wise. Better food, better exercise, less stress, no alcohol, so all of that should help the quality. Mr. Scuba calls the follies vine-ripened.

We do have a cancelation looming though. My lining is too thick, so if my period doesn't show by tomorrow evening, I may be canceled. Relying on something that only shows when I don't want it just seems silly.

One really sweet thing about the appointment was when we were leaving they were playing the song we danced to at our wedding in the lobby. "come away with me" by Norah Jones

MAYHEM

don't let her cuteness fool you!

So last night, well actually this morning very very early at 2am, my cat got into a huge fight. I knew she was in trouble the second I heard her. Nothing makes my heart stop quite like that sound. I jumped out of bed and ran outside in my underwear just in time to keep a huge cat from whomping on my very scrappy, but very little cat. My poor kitty certainly had some fur missing and was very shaken up.

I cursed my luck thinking that this had to be a bad sign for this to happen the day of my beta. Then I started thinking, this was actually a perfect thing to happen. That moment reminded me that maybe I can cut it as a mom. I know it is only one moment, but in that moment, I heard my furbaby in need and I went from a full deep sleep to out the door in less than 30 seconds. I didn't stop to think that I didn't want to wake up at 2am. I didn't stop to think to put on some more appropriate clothing before running outside. I just ran out of bed and to the aid of my kitty who needed me and it never even crossed my mind to do otherwise.

Maybe I will be a decent mom after all? Dare I let myself dream?

Awesome Fortunes!

This was our fortune with our dinner last night!

The top was Mr. Scuba's, the bottom was mine.

Today is my last BCP. I hope and pray these fortunes are true!

Bravery

"the brave are simply those with the clearest vision of what is before them - glory and danger alike - and, notwithstanding, go out to meet it"

            -Kate and leopold (bad movie, good quote)

So I figure it is time for an update. With 5 days to spare, my body finally cooperated and my period is here. Apparently my body, like me likes to wait to the last minute! So barring cysts and such at baseline we are on for this cycle and I start bcps in 2 days.

Is it strange that I'm not really excited this time? I want to be positive and up beat but truthfully I'm just scared. The closer we get to round 3 the closer we get to a lifetime of an empty ute. I just want to stop time and never let this shred of hope go. Of course I also know that the only way to change this is to keep putting one foot in front of the other one scary needle at a time. I am still scared but I have no choice but to go out to meet it.

April Fools!!

This was a good one!! Let me set the scene: Infertile couple (us) feeling lonely and isolated in the middle of our infertile hell decide to go to a friend's BBQ the night before. Couple has a fantastic time, meets another great couple same age, similar interests, no kids, who were lots of fun! Things were starting to looking up. Fast-forward to today i.e. April fool's day. All new friends go out to lunch and here it comes... are you ready... of course she is pregnant. April fools!!! We actually thought we could have a new set of great friends to have a good time with and not have to deal with IF all the time. What a silly silly girl I was to think that we could get out of this that easy. Now they are relegated to the group of people I might be able to spend time with again if this ever works. It is hard enough to deal with a pregnancy of a good friend let alone people we just met.

I made it through the lunch and just got to my car before the ugly crying started. I am so angry and bitter these days. I was hoping to get back to a better place and I felt like we were really getting there. I feel pathetic that something so small could be my undoing these days. April fools!

Update

so we had our WTF with our regular clinic yesterday. Dr. said that he wouldn't change the protocol because other than not getting pregnant, it was a successful cycle. (13 eggs, 12 , fert, 8 on day 5, 1 expanded blast transfered, 4 grade 2 blasts frozen). He does want to do genetic testing of the blasts and for that procedure they do vitrify the embryos for cryo because there is no fresh transfer. They would biopsy the embryos that make it to blast and then freeze them all. Once we get the results of the biopsy, they will then do a frozen transfer about 8 weeks later of the normal embryos. I was really concerned that our clinic does not do vitrification because the survival rate is a lot better that way. That is why we decided to do a consult with CCRM. However, our clinic does do vitrification for the CGH genetic testing, so we felt a lot better. 

I was underwhelmed by my CCRM consult. The doc just seemed uninterested. He did say that he would use the same protocol also because It seemed to work well the first time. He also recommended CGH due to the severe MFI and the 2 failed cycles. He also recommended a HSG which I haven't had before. He said that blocked tubed can cause a backup of toxic fluid in the uterus and impede IVF implantation. He also recommended a biopsy of the endometrial lining, but at our WTF my doc said it wasn't a great test, that it is painful and not a great predictor, and wouldn't really change a lot anyway.

So I called my clinic today and they agreed to do the HSG. They also gave us a few financial incentives to help keep our business since we are 100% out of pocket and the CGH is pretty expensive.

Now we have to decide whether to get DH back on the meds for the very small chance of fresh sperm at retrieval while delaying our next cycle 6 months, or do we rely on our frozen stash which we will likely use anyway and cycle in June. 


Any and all opinions, thoughts, advise welcome!

Too Much

I can't even believe I held it together this week. I had to spend 2 days this week evaluating child care facilities in the area. That of course included being in the infant rooms for what seemed like forever. I had to stare into the beautiful eyes of these incredible little babies and keep tears from pouring out of my eyes. 

In the middle of all of that I had to go to a friend's house for dinner and goo and gaa over her amazing 2 week old baby boy. I was so thankful that he slept in the corner most of the time. He really was beautiful and it tore me up inside. Somehow I kept up the smiles and never let on how much it killed me inside. Tomorrow, I am supposed to go have breakfast with my sister-in-law and her 2 incredible kids. 

I just don't know how to keep doing this. I have no emotional strength left in me. I am completely done. I don't even have it in me to cry anymore. Even as I put one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward I feel more and more dead inside. I wish I knew how to live through this. 

Persistence

It Never Gets Easier

Beta is back and of course it is another big fat fucking negative.

How many times am I going to have to pick up the pieces of my heart and put them back together?

What did we do so horribly wrong to make us so unworthy of a child of our own no matter how hard we try?

There should be an infertile island where people like us can go and not be bombarded by everything baby and we can live out our lives in peace with little umbrella drinks and nice sandy beaches.

Tag You're It!

Apparently the IF blog world is playing a fun game of tag. I have been tagged by both Living our Life in Cycles and Katib77 at The Juice is Worth the Squeeze and am feeling the love! I guess if you get tagged twice, you are supposed to do the first one and not the second, but I decided that I am going to do the evens from one and the odds from the other

Here are the tagging rules:

1) post the rules
2) answer the 11 questions from the person who tagged you
3) create 11 NEW questions for the people you tag (I have a feeling this is going to be the hard part!)
4) tag as many people as you like and link them to your post
5) let them know they have been tagged

Here are my questions from Living our Life in Cycles, I am doing the evens:

2. What is your favorite app on your cell phone- if you have that kind of phone: Pandora is my all time favorite, but right now I also am really into "cut the rope"

4. If you have any super power what would you choose? Why? I would fly for sure! I love to travel, but hate flying in those planes!

6. What is your favorite season? I really love them all for a lot of different reasons, but if I had to pick one, I think it would be Spring. All the flowers coming up, it is just warming up enough to not need a jacket, but not too warm that you are sweltering in heat.

8. If you HAD to move to another state or country where would you go? Australia for sure! We were supposed to move there a couple of years ago, but it fell through. The Scuba diving there is awesome and the people seem like so much fun!

10. Biggest pet peeve? When people put a "b" in the pronunciation of supposedly and pronounce it supposubly. Drives me INSANE! That and people chewing with there mouth wide open like I want to see the progress of their chewing!


OK, here are the odd questions from Katib77 at The Juice is Worth the Squeeze

1. What song reminds you of your childhood? The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel. My uncle got me a walkman when I was about 7 or 8 and I didn't own any tapes, so he gave me his copy of Simon and Garfunkel. I listened to them all the time!!

3.  Name the part of a Man's body you find most attractive:  It it a total tossup between his smile and his arms. I love me a pair of big strong buff arms!

5. What movie makes you feel like a teenager again? Dirty Dancing!

7. What is a "guilty pleasure" of yours? Hmmmm.... I love reading Scuba magazines and fantasizing about our next trip.

9. If I gave you a plane ticket to anywhere, where would you go? There are soooo many places, I have no idea how I would pick just one! Probably Egypt so I could hook up with a live-aboard and go diving in the Red Sea. That is tied with Australia!

11. What is something you're afraid of? Right now, probably the same as most of us, never being a mother.

Ok, now here are the questions you get to answer!!

1. Where is your most favorite place that you have traveled?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. Who cooks at home?
4. How often do you go out to eat?
5. What is your most favorite movie of all time?
6. Cat or dog?
7. What flowers were in your wedding bouquet?
8. How many of the 50 states have you been to?
9. What decorations do you have on the walls of your bedroom?
10. Where did you go on your honeymoon?
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? To play?

The blogs I am tagging are: (I am trying to tag blogs that I haven't already seen tagged, but if you get double tagged, no worries, either ignore or you can do what I did)

Heather at Hoping Wishing Praying
Becky at This Blissful Journey
Katie at Our Baby Journey
Kechara at Jessie's Infertility Journal


Have fun ladies!

2 Scubababies on Board!

We just got home from our embryo transfer. It was a wonderful experience. We started out with the pre-transfer acupuncture treatment, then went to the doc for transfer. The thawed 3 embryos because 1 didn't make it. So we have one snowbaby left.

The transfer went very smoothly. There was no pain this time which was certainly not the case the first time around. Then we went back to the acupuncturist for the post-transfer treatment. Then home to rest for the next 2 days.

God, please please please, I am on my knees begging, please let these be our healthy happy take home babies!

Share the Love Link Up!! Check it out!

2 
Share 2 must read blogs
1. http://if-journey.blogspot.com/
2. http://katiandjuice.blogspot.com/

14
Share 7 things you love about your husband
1. He loves me
2. He cooks
3. He does laundry
4. He is a great kisser
5. He is incredibly supportive of me
6. He lets me be me
7. He can make me laugh so easily 
Share 7 random facts about you- or 7 of your favorite things- or 7 things you love about yourself
1. I love fireworks, I mean WAY more than any normal person should love fireworks!
2. I am really stubborn, I like to call it "persistence"
3. I love cats, and I love other people's dogs
4. I just recently started knitting and I LOVE it!
5. I am a super multi-tasker, I have to be doing multiple things at once even when I am "resting"
6. I am a Seattle Seahawks fan

12
10-number game- think of your life and think about how the number relates to your life:
1. How many kitties I have
2. How many brothers I have
3. The number of times I have been to Hawaii
4. The number of sperm found on our first analysis which we found out on the 4th of February.  Also the number of embryos we have frozen. We have a weird thing with the number 4. 
5. The number of minutes it took me to come up with this answer
6. The number of times I typically hit the snooze button
7. The number of years I have been with my husband, including dating. 
8. The number of years I spent in college (undergrad and grad school)
9. The number of knitting projects I have completed
10. My bedtime
2-things you've learned through this IF journey or things you would tell someone who just started this IF journey
1. Whether you like it or not, you will learn to be patient. Try to embrace it. 
2. Make it a point to stay connected to your partner, you will need each other through this terrible time. 


Now follow the link in the picture above and link-up so we can learn about you!!!!! 

Awwwww

My wonderful husband left this for me this morning! What a great way to start the day!!!!

Strange

It is strange to think that if this were a regular IVF cycle,  I would be recovering from an egg retrieval right now. The frozen transfer process has been so low key and seems a lot easier on my body. I think that might be part of what is driving me nuts! There isn't nearly as much to actively do so the little victories along the way are fewer.

The past couple of days I have also been a lot more emotional about all of this. I cried in my office at work after talking to a nurse about the estrogen again. She was trying to reassure me and let me know that everything was fine, but I just got more and more upset until I started crying. I am trying so hard to keep from thinking about the what-ifs, but I don't know how I am going to get through another BFN. I am trying so hard to stay positive, but the closer I get, the harder it becomes.

Low Estrogen

The nurse just called and said my estrogen was low. They like to see it at 200 or more and mine was 86! She said not to worry (ya right!) and they would add a supplement and it should be fine. She said that my lining looked great, it was at exactly where it should be and forming the triple stripe, but I can't help but worry.

I asked her if there was somewhere I could put the patches so they absorbed better, and she said no, as long as they are not on the outside of my thighs. Well.. that is exactly where I have them! I was told anywhere on my body except my breasts. WTF?! She said they need to go where there is the most subcutaneous tissue. So since I started with fresh patches this morning, I scrapped them and put new ones on where she suggested (inner thighs and stomach). I am kind of upset that the first nurse told me anywhere on my body is fine when that isn't true! 

Anyway, she said they don't generally test for estrogen again but that they would if I wanted. What do you all think, should I test again or am I just being paranoid? I think I would feel better testing again. I just don't want them to thaw my little snowbabies for nothing!

My Blog is 1

Happy Birthday Blog!

Celebrating our 1 Year IF Anniversary

1 year ago today we got the most gut-wrenching news of our lives. 1 year ago today I was a devastated ball of tears. 1 year ago today I didn't even know how to breathe.

It feels like we have traveled over a million miles in that year. We have come so far and learned so much. We have gone from high highs to the low lows on this crazy new roller-coaster that is our life right now. Yet amidst all the pain and anguish, we have grown so much in our relationship and gained strength in our resolve.

Today we are not going to mourn or cry, we are going to celebrate our anniversary. Thats right, celebrate. We are going to celebrate all we have become and we are going to celebrate the hope that we still have.

We are going to go skiing, eat a great restaurant, stay at a super cute B&B, and we are going to enjoy each other and all that we are blessed with.

So Sweet

Yet another reason I love Mr. Scuba:

This is the text I got from him this morning

"Your estrogen starts today right? Let me know how it makes you feel and if I need to pick anything up for you on the way home OK"

He is so incredibly sweet and supportive. I couldn't make it through this without him!

The Condom Broke!!

Baseline was yesterday and the condom for the vag-cam broke!! It happened before it was used though, so we all laughed and decided that was a good sign. 

Everything looked good so we are on our way. Now if I could only figure out how to get rid of these Lupron headaches...

My Fun Weekend

This puzzle was so much fun! Everything is better when Mr. Scuba is home!

Grounded and Hopeful

Our FET (frozen embryo transfer) is underway and Mr. Scuba is coming home soon!

For our cycle, I started Lupron a few days ago. Up until then I was pretty sure we would have to postpone the cycle. I had been having horrible horrible sinus headaches which most doctors I talked to believed were sinus infections. I went through 2 courses of antibiotics and nothing worked. I thought for sure we would have to postpone until I got through this. Finally, I got to see my ENT doc and he told me the craziest thing. He said that he sees a lot of women with sinus problems that are otherwise under control go crazy when doing IVF. He said that the sinus tissue is extremely sensitive to hormone fluctuations especially estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. When the body goes through the crazy hormone stimulations for IVF, the sinuses can go crazy causing a lot of pressure and pain especially for someone with already sensitive sinuses. So, the good news is I have an answer and it's not infection, he even scoped me to make sure. The bad news is, the treatment is to deal with it. Well, if I don't have to postpone my cycle, I can do that. It's just one more way infertility fucks with my life.

In other wonderful news, Mr. Scuba is finally coming home tomorrow!!!! He has been in the frosty great white north for a couple of weeks for work. He said it was -40 degrees there for one day. I wonder if he is trying to get an idea of how our frosties feel! As empathetic as he may be getting, I am so excited for him to finally be home. It is so hard when he is away. So much happens that I want to talk to him about and have him be a part of. We can barely even talk on the phone because of the increased international charges. Most of our conversations have been through text and that is getting a little old.

So this cycle is starting and my wonderful husband is coming home. All of this is making me feel more grounded and I am finally starting to feel hopeful again. Having hope this time around seems like a much greater task. Being grounded seems much easier, but I do have hope. I have so much hope that one of our 4 little snowbabies is going to be our take home baby!

Our Year for Victory

Exactly a year ago, I was cursing the world for letting me ovulate on Christmas day and not get pregnant. I mean how could I not get pregnant after ovulating for Christmas, really? That was they day when we unknowingly got in the cue line for the biggest roller coaster I have ever been on.

Irony of all irony I got the same christmas present this year as I did last year. Thankfully I had the experience to know that ovulating Christmas day meant exactly nothing except my period would start soon. I knew that the world loves it's cruel jokes. This year however I had a different perspective. This year my period showing up meant that we get to start our frozen embryo transfer cycle!!

I start birth control pills today, then will start lupron January 16th, baseline will be January 25th, and our target transfer day will be February 16th.

I am so excited, but I am so unbelievably nervous. I think I am more nervous about this cycle than our last cycle. This time if it doesn't work, we are back to another fresh cycle and I am not sure when we could afford that for both emotional and financial reasons. There is a lot of pressure riding on those 4 little frozen snow babies.

So I am back to blogging and I am going to more active on the Bump again. I missed you all and I am looking forward to catching up.

Last year was a year of discovery, pain, standing strong, and being hopeful against all odds. This year I am praying for a year of hope, chances, grace, and victory. Good bye 2011, Here's to 2012!!