The Next Circle of IF Hell

The IVF Big Fat Fucking Fail! I knew it was coming, but it doesn't make the blow any less. At least we have our snow-babies. I am praying our take home baby is there. Unfortunately we can't start our frozen cycle until after the holidays. So we get to spend yet another Christmas with my empty uterus.

I just can't understand. We did everything right. I completely de-stressed my life. I only let positive energy in and was completely optimistic (which I never am, and this is the reason why). I ate completely organic and healthy, I didn't let a single unhealthy thing enter my body. I went to church. I prayed. I shoved countless needles in my body happily. I have bruises on my stomach, on my thighs, on my ass, on my arms. I tortured my poor body and I did it all with a big fat fucking smile on my face thinking the whole time I will do anything for my baby! I had faith, I had hope, I had it all, and it all ended with nothing.

I saw a quote today that really does sum up exactly how I feel right now:

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" ~Laura Bush

One Lonely Little Line

That is a sight I have seen far too many times. One sad lonely pathetic crushing little line. I took a home pregnancy test this morning and it looked like every one I have ever taken in my life. Stark white. My heart was beating so fast during those two minutes. I just knew that second line would pop up and I could jump and yell and scream with excitement like I have dreamed of doing for so long.

The longer I stared at that screen the further my heart sank. I squinted, I stared, I willed a second line to magically appear with every bit of my being. Nothing. I have never looked so hard at a pregnancy test in my whole life. I have never wanted this more than I do now. Instead I am crushed.

Here it is again, that horrible awful feeling that I will never experience a life growing inside of me. That I will never hear the sound of my own baby's cry. That I will never have a family of my own. That I am not meant to be a mother.

New Job!

I accepted a new job today and I am elated! I know it is a pretty crazy time to accept a new job, but if infertility has taught me anything at all, it has taught me that I can not make any decisions based on what may or may not happen. If this IVF worked, I may end up on Maternity leave relatively soon, but if it didn't... well you know. My current job environment is so toxic that I really really needed to get out. Plus this is a huge raise so that helps too.

The new job has been in the works for months, but I didn't want to talk too much about it because I didn't want to jinx anything. I went back and forth believing that I was ever going to get a new job. It seemed like it was going to work out and then something got in the way and then back and forth for months. Sound familiar? I am really praying that the other roller coaster that I have been on ends just as well in the next couple of days!!

My First Blog Award

After going insane in the 2ww, seeing this blog award really made my day! Liebster is the German word for beloved or favorite. It is specifically designed for blogs with 200 followers or less. So thank you so much to Our Life in Cycles for making me feel special today. 

To share the love I am to pass this on to 5 bloggers that I follow and love. There are so many great blogs that I follow, so this is going to be tough. So here they are in no particular order:

1. Heather for Life After 11 Thoreau
2. Aime32 for Life As I Know It
3. Jen for Beyond Jennifer and Jason
4. Katie for The Zawisloks
5. Happilyhomespun for Life, Infertility, and the pursuit of a family

Shouldn't I Feel Different?

I keep feeling like I should feel different right now. Shouldn't I feel pregnant if this is working? As a woman, shouldn't I know if there is a life growing inside of me?

I just feel like me with some cramps and really sore breasts. I know every twinge and every "symptom" is due to the hormones I am taking and I don't expect to feel early pregnancy symptoms because by now I know better than that. But I still feel like there is a part of me that should know.

I had a wonderful dream last night that I saw a beautiful healthy growing fetus on an ultrasound. I then gave birth (quickly and painlessly! Well.. it is a dream right) to a beautiful baby girl with bright red curly hair!

I guess in my dreams I believe it worked, but when I wake up, I just feel like me.  After everything we have been through, it just feels impossible to truly believe this will work.

Thankful

Today I am thankful for the most amazing husband in the world, an amazing family, and that I am pregnant until proven otherwise!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!

We Have Snowbabies!!

4 of them! Seems appropriate with the season!! Having so many make it to cryo makes me even more certain that we made the right decision with the single transfer!

I feel sad for the ones that didn't make it. I know it is a part of the process, but those were my babies too. I will be saying prayers for them as well.

For now we have snowbabies and hopefully a sticky baby too!!