Persistence

It Never Gets Easier

Beta is back and of course it is another big fat fucking negative.

How many times am I going to have to pick up the pieces of my heart and put them back together?

What did we do so horribly wrong to make us so unworthy of a child of our own no matter how hard we try?

There should be an infertile island where people like us can go and not be bombarded by everything baby and we can live out our lives in peace with little umbrella drinks and nice sandy beaches.

Tag You're It!

Apparently the IF blog world is playing a fun game of tag. I have been tagged by both Living our Life in Cycles and Katib77 at The Juice is Worth the Squeeze and am feeling the love! I guess if you get tagged twice, you are supposed to do the first one and not the second, but I decided that I am going to do the evens from one and the odds from the other

Here are the tagging rules:

1) post the rules
2) answer the 11 questions from the person who tagged you
3) create 11 NEW questions for the people you tag (I have a feeling this is going to be the hard part!)
4) tag as many people as you like and link them to your post
5) let them know they have been tagged

Here are my questions from Living our Life in Cycles, I am doing the evens:

2. What is your favorite app on your cell phone- if you have that kind of phone: Pandora is my all time favorite, but right now I also am really into "cut the rope"

4. If you have any super power what would you choose? Why? I would fly for sure! I love to travel, but hate flying in those planes!

6. What is your favorite season? I really love them all for a lot of different reasons, but if I had to pick one, I think it would be Spring. All the flowers coming up, it is just warming up enough to not need a jacket, but not too warm that you are sweltering in heat.

8. If you HAD to move to another state or country where would you go? Australia for sure! We were supposed to move there a couple of years ago, but it fell through. The Scuba diving there is awesome and the people seem like so much fun!

10. Biggest pet peeve? When people put a "b" in the pronunciation of supposedly and pronounce it supposubly. Drives me INSANE! That and people chewing with there mouth wide open like I want to see the progress of their chewing!


OK, here are the odd questions from Katib77 at The Juice is Worth the Squeeze

1. What song reminds you of your childhood? The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel. My uncle got me a walkman when I was about 7 or 8 and I didn't own any tapes, so he gave me his copy of Simon and Garfunkel. I listened to them all the time!!

3.  Name the part of a Man's body you find most attractive:  It it a total tossup between his smile and his arms. I love me a pair of big strong buff arms!

5. What movie makes you feel like a teenager again? Dirty Dancing!

7. What is a "guilty pleasure" of yours? Hmmmm.... I love reading Scuba magazines and fantasizing about our next trip.

9. If I gave you a plane ticket to anywhere, where would you go? There are soooo many places, I have no idea how I would pick just one! Probably Egypt so I could hook up with a live-aboard and go diving in the Red Sea. That is tied with Australia!

11. What is something you're afraid of? Right now, probably the same as most of us, never being a mother.

Ok, now here are the questions you get to answer!!

1. Where is your most favorite place that you have traveled?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. Who cooks at home?
4. How often do you go out to eat?
5. What is your most favorite movie of all time?
6. Cat or dog?
7. What flowers were in your wedding bouquet?
8. How many of the 50 states have you been to?
9. What decorations do you have on the walls of your bedroom?
10. Where did you go on your honeymoon?
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? To play?

The blogs I am tagging are: (I am trying to tag blogs that I haven't already seen tagged, but if you get double tagged, no worries, either ignore or you can do what I did)

Heather at Hoping Wishing Praying
Becky at This Blissful Journey
Katie at Our Baby Journey
Kechara at Jessie's Infertility Journal


Have fun ladies!

2 Scubababies on Board!

We just got home from our embryo transfer. It was a wonderful experience. We started out with the pre-transfer acupuncture treatment, then went to the doc for transfer. The thawed 3 embryos because 1 didn't make it. So we have one snowbaby left.

The transfer went very smoothly. There was no pain this time which was certainly not the case the first time around. Then we went back to the acupuncturist for the post-transfer treatment. Then home to rest for the next 2 days.

God, please please please, I am on my knees begging, please let these be our healthy happy take home babies!

Share the Love Link Up!! Check it out!

2 
Share 2 must read blogs
1. http://if-journey.blogspot.com/
2. http://katiandjuice.blogspot.com/

14
Share 7 things you love about your husband
1. He loves me
2. He cooks
3. He does laundry
4. He is a great kisser
5. He is incredibly supportive of me
6. He lets me be me
7. He can make me laugh so easily 
Share 7 random facts about you- or 7 of your favorite things- or 7 things you love about yourself
1. I love fireworks, I mean WAY more than any normal person should love fireworks!
2. I am really stubborn, I like to call it "persistence"
3. I love cats, and I love other people's dogs
4. I just recently started knitting and I LOVE it!
5. I am a super multi-tasker, I have to be doing multiple things at once even when I am "resting"
6. I am a Seattle Seahawks fan

12
10-number game- think of your life and think about how the number relates to your life:
1. How many kitties I have
2. How many brothers I have
3. The number of times I have been to Hawaii
4. The number of sperm found on our first analysis which we found out on the 4th of February.  Also the number of embryos we have frozen. We have a weird thing with the number 4. 
5. The number of minutes it took me to come up with this answer
6. The number of times I typically hit the snooze button
7. The number of years I have been with my husband, including dating. 
8. The number of years I spent in college (undergrad and grad school)
9. The number of knitting projects I have completed
10. My bedtime
2-things you've learned through this IF journey or things you would tell someone who just started this IF journey
1. Whether you like it or not, you will learn to be patient. Try to embrace it. 
2. Make it a point to stay connected to your partner, you will need each other through this terrible time. 


Now follow the link in the picture above and link-up so we can learn about you!!!!! 

Awwwww

My wonderful husband left this for me this morning! What a great way to start the day!!!!

Strange

It is strange to think that if this were a regular IVF cycle,  I would be recovering from an egg retrieval right now. The frozen transfer process has been so low key and seems a lot easier on my body. I think that might be part of what is driving me nuts! There isn't nearly as much to actively do so the little victories along the way are fewer.

The past couple of days I have also been a lot more emotional about all of this. I cried in my office at work after talking to a nurse about the estrogen again. She was trying to reassure me and let me know that everything was fine, but I just got more and more upset until I started crying. I am trying so hard to keep from thinking about the what-ifs, but I don't know how I am going to get through another BFN. I am trying so hard to stay positive, but the closer I get, the harder it becomes.

Low Estrogen

The nurse just called and said my estrogen was low. They like to see it at 200 or more and mine was 86! She said not to worry (ya right!) and they would add a supplement and it should be fine. She said that my lining looked great, it was at exactly where it should be and forming the triple stripe, but I can't help but worry.

I asked her if there was somewhere I could put the patches so they absorbed better, and she said no, as long as they are not on the outside of my thighs. Well.. that is exactly where I have them! I was told anywhere on my body except my breasts. WTF?! She said they need to go where there is the most subcutaneous tissue. So since I started with fresh patches this morning, I scrapped them and put new ones on where she suggested (inner thighs and stomach). I am kind of upset that the first nurse told me anywhere on my body is fine when that isn't true! 

Anyway, she said they don't generally test for estrogen again but that they would if I wanted. What do you all think, should I test again or am I just being paranoid? I think I would feel better testing again. I just don't want them to thaw my little snowbabies for nothing!

My Blog is 1

Happy Birthday Blog!

Celebrating our 1 Year IF Anniversary

1 year ago today we got the most gut-wrenching news of our lives. 1 year ago today I was a devastated ball of tears. 1 year ago today I didn't even know how to breathe.

It feels like we have traveled over a million miles in that year. We have come so far and learned so much. We have gone from high highs to the low lows on this crazy new roller-coaster that is our life right now. Yet amidst all the pain and anguish, we have grown so much in our relationship and gained strength in our resolve.

Today we are not going to mourn or cry, we are going to celebrate our anniversary. Thats right, celebrate. We are going to celebrate all we have become and we are going to celebrate the hope that we still have.

We are going to go skiing, eat a great restaurant, stay at a super cute B&B, and we are going to enjoy each other and all that we are blessed with.