430

That's how many sperm I saw on 3 slides this morning!!! 430 beautiful little swimmers. I am a happy girl today!

I Can Breathe

For the first time since February I feel like the air came back and I can breathe again. We are by no means out of the woods, but we have hope.

We went to the Uro, who I just love sooooooo much, and it was a great appointment! He was really encouraged by our at home results and was so impressed that we were taking an active role in our treatment.  He thinks we are certainly headed in the right direction, but as I said, not out of the woods yet. He said that because we are seeing sperm, then if we do end up needing the surgery, it is likely to be 80-90% successful.

So.....Our plan: Up the HCG just a bit to possibly increase the testosterone just a bit. Keep doing at home testing for a couple of weeks to see if the positive results continue. If it does continue, then we will go to the lab for an official sample and a freeze if possible. If we can freeze then we will freeze multiple samples and then start our cycle!!!!

As for our at home samples - well last night we counted 100 in 3 slides!!!!!

For ongoing updates on our at-home experiment results - check out the "At Home Count Stats" page!!!

SPERM!!!!!

I am so ridiculously excited!! So Mr. Scuba and I purchased an at home semen analysis kit complete with a high-powered microscope, slides, etc....

Well, we used it tonight before our WTF Uro appointment tomorrow and guess what?!?!?! WE FOUND SPERM!!!

There were maybe 3-4 good motile sperm on 1 slide and about 5-6 on the other!!! There were probably a total of 10 dead or slow ones as well. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but for an azoo girl that is some serious swimming!

They were so beautiful swimming around the slide trying to find an egg. I pray we can get them to an egg soon!

Mr. Scuba is HOME!!

And I am in Heaven! I know I sound like a wuss, but 2 weeks is a long time!!

In just 2 days I have had more fun that I did the entire 2 weeks he was gone. Granted that time was filled with funerals, shitty dinners with pregnant friends, and being stood up by my BIL, but still these 2 days have been great!

We re-arranged and re-organized our bedroom! I cooked dinner twice, and that is something that doesn't happen very often! If anyone wants an awesome and easy chicken parmesan recipe just let me know! Life is just better when he is around. I guess that's how you know you married the right one!

It's times like these that remind me, even in these harsh and horrific times, that I am truly blessed.

Gossip

So apparently our news is now gossip. Mr. Scuba made it very clear to his entire family that he did not want his aunt and uncle to know about our troubles. As a matter of fact we made it very clear to every one who knew and who did not know so that they would have people to talk about this with when they felt the need.

Well, sure as shit, we just found out that someone told the aunt and uncle who we clearly said not to tell! I am so F-ing pissed!! Our tragedy, our pain, our infertility is no one's business to be gossiping about!! NO ONES! Of course the aunt and uncle have not said anything to us, so they must have been told by the person who told them, that they were not to know! WTF!

I get people talking about family, I really do. People are concerned, they care, but this is just flat out gossip for gossip's sake! I am on a mission to find out who told them. This is crap!

Walked out on Dinner

So, I truly feel like a crazy woman now.

I ran into a friend of mine that I used to work with at a funeral for a co-worker yesterday. I looked at her and thought to myself, either she has implants or she is pregnant, then I beat myself up for letting IF make me paranoid.

Anyway - we spent a bit of the day together and then she invited me out for dinner and drinks tonight. I was excited to have a distraction from IF and DH being out of town and catching up with an old friend.

Of course then at dinner she proceeded to tell me she was pregnant. She knows full well that we are struggling with IF. I was truly happy for her. I put on the smile, asked all the questions, and started drinking (a lot). A little bit later she asked me if we had any big trips planned, to which I replied - no, IF treatments are really expensive. Then she went on this big rant about how it isn't fair who gets chosen to have children and who doesn't. I about lost my sh!t on her. I just burst out into tears and literally ran from the table. I threw some money on it before I left. I felt crazy, but I just couldn't take another second of it. Who are you to tell me how unfair IF is. Seriously? I just wanted to punch her.

My BFF came to my house with ice cream and other supplies, so I felt better later, but it hurt. I know she didn't mean anything by it and in my heart of hearts I am happy for her, but wow, that hurt.  

Crazy Woman

I was so sad about Mr. Scuba leaving town for work for 2 weeks that he wanted to do something special for me the last day he was in town. He took me to the museum of natural history so that we could go to the planetarium and the IMAX theater which we both absolutely love doing.

Unfortunately, Mr. Scuba did not realize that I am in crazy town right now! There were so many beautiful families there. Babies and strollers and adorable inquisitive kids everywhere. I thought I could take it but after only maybe 15 minutes I was the crazy woman standing in the middle of the museum sobbing! Mr. Scuba just held me tight until I could compose myself, then he got our money back and we left. We went somewhere there were a lot less kids - a bar!

Someday I will be able to go back there. Someday I will feel like myself again. Someday, but today, I am a crazy person!

The Giver of Life

God is generally revered as the giver of life, the creator of life, the one who blesses new souls and brings them into the world.

So why are amazing wonderful stable couples not deemed worthy of that blessing of life? People who really hurt their children are given that blessing every day. I can't understand it. I never will understand it.

Devestated

The results = 0 - no sperm alive or dead. Nothing. From 4 to 1 to 0.

I have never been more heartbroken in my whole life.

I don't understand how God could be this cruel.

I don't even know how to breath right now...

1 More Day

Until DH's repeat SA! and I actually have to work tomorrow. I am not sure how I am going to get anything done. I am praying so hard that we get some results. After all of this we deserve some good news.

God, please answer our prayers and let there be significant improvement.

Home and A Few More Steps Out of the Closet

This is where I spent the last week of my life. Lake Powell on a pretty great boat with a pretty great group of people.

We swam, wake-boarded, ate and drank like kings, and thoroughly enjoyed one of the most beautiful lakes in existence! We even went scuba diving! It was horrible visibility and there wasn't a whole lot to see, but I am never one to turn down an opportunity to get my fins wet!

However, with 16 people in that one tight place for a week, interesting things happen. Tempers flare, personalities conflict, and secrets become known.

We found out one night that another couple on the boat was dealing with infertility issues as well. The girl's body is allergic to the proteins in semen and not only is having it inside her very painful, but her body also attacks it with a vengeance. She was recently told by her GYN that IVF will be her only option. She was devastated because with their income they could never afford it. So Mr. Scuba and I got to tell her all about a procedure called IUI that would probably work for her and is a lot less expensive. Then of course the question came of "how do you know about this". Thing is thought that I am never afraid to tell another infertile about our situation. Any chance at making someone else's pain less lonely.

Over the course of the week almost everyone became aware of our situation and were quite supportive. I of course got the "I have a friend who adopted and then got pregnant, maybe you should do that" BS. I also got the "the mind can do powerful things, maybe you just need to relax". Crazy thing is that somehow I didn't want to go bat shit crazy on them. I understood the fear that drove them to tell me these things as if some how that random ray of (BS) hope could make me feel better. I understood their fear of accepting the reality of what we are dealing with and I understood in some weird way they were simply trying to show me compassion. I calmly explained that those things will never change our reality and watched as they searched for some mental construct to deal with the news we had just given them. Honestly I am glad they know and that we have taken a few more stops out of the IF closet. I am still very afraid of too many people knowing, especially if it doesn't work having to tell them all that it failed, but we don't have to tell them when we cycle.

3 days and counting until our repeat semen analysis. We welcome all the prayers we can get.