I find myself gasping for air, feeling as if I will drown. How did this happen? What happened to my fairy-tail?
Where to begin... well I guess we can start with the bad news, or possibly the most devastating news I have ever received. There I was, in my office, my beautiful office filled with happy orchids, paintings, and framed degrees. The call came in from my husband, 4. The results from his semen analysis after 7 months of two responsible adults trying to get pregnant had come in. Four. Not 4 million, or 4 thousand, or 4 hundred, but 4. 4, although very healthy and mobile, only 4 sperm in his sample. The air was gone, I was gasping. The room started spinning. My room of success, my room of accomplishment started spinning with all the air sucked out and leaving me gasping for breath. 4.
How could this be? I live every day dealing with child abusers, child molesters, drug addicts, drug dealers, murderers, thieves, all with children. Either with children or pregnant as they shove another needle filled with death into their veins. How could two amazingly responsible adults be the ones who are now faced with never having children?
I will never have an answer to the questions posed above other than life is not fair, and it never will be. I sit here in the night wondering, why? Why was god/fate this cruel? What had we done to deserve this? Of course I sound selfish as hell, because lord knows I am not the only one facing these dilemmas. In fact it was the comfort of another brave and amazing woman's blog who inspired me to write. As the tears rolled down my face uncontrollably while reading her incredible and painful experiences, it occurred to me maybe somehow my journey will be of some use to someone else out there.
Today I will live as if there is still some hope that IVF is not our only answer for biological children.
Where to begin... well I guess we can start with the bad news, or possibly the most devastating news I have ever received. There I was, in my office, my beautiful office filled with happy orchids, paintings, and framed degrees. The call came in from my husband, 4. The results from his semen analysis after 7 months of two responsible adults trying to get pregnant had come in. Four. Not 4 million, or 4 thousand, or 4 hundred, but 4. 4, although very healthy and mobile, only 4 sperm in his sample. The air was gone, I was gasping. The room started spinning. My room of success, my room of accomplishment started spinning with all the air sucked out and leaving me gasping for breath. 4.
How could this be? I live every day dealing with child abusers, child molesters, drug addicts, drug dealers, murderers, thieves, all with children. Either with children or pregnant as they shove another needle filled with death into their veins. How could two amazingly responsible adults be the ones who are now faced with never having children?
I will never have an answer to the questions posed above other than life is not fair, and it never will be. I sit here in the night wondering, why? Why was god/fate this cruel? What had we done to deserve this? Of course I sound selfish as hell, because lord knows I am not the only one facing these dilemmas. In fact it was the comfort of another brave and amazing woman's blog who inspired me to write. As the tears rolled down my face uncontrollably while reading her incredible and painful experiences, it occurred to me maybe somehow my journey will be of some use to someone else out there.
Today I will live as if there is still some hope that IVF is not our only answer for biological children.
*hugs* It is so unfair. Keeping you guys in my thoughts.
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