Pity Party for One Please

It has to be something. It just has to be. Something that I have done that makes me and my husband worse than all of those that are so easily blessed with children and yet squander that blessing every moment of every day.

Today I spent some time going through all those past moments and cross roads in my life. Thinking about all the decisions that had to be made and how I made them. Thinking about the decisions that lead me to where I am right now. Wondering if those decisions and the life I lived is why I am facing all of this.

I feel like I had a pretty normal child-hood. I did struggle as a teenager. The worst decision I ever made was that I started smoking. Yes, for years that shit made it into my lungs on a daily basis. I smoked pot on occasion and drank some especially in college, but nothing too shocking.

As for the rest of it, everything was pretty normal. I graduated high school, I went to college, I got a degree, and I got an advanced degree. I do well in my non-profit career. I volunteer, I donate to worthy causes, I love and care for those around me.

I dated a man not my husband for 5 years and broke up with him right when he was going to propose. I knew it wasn't right. I loved him and still do, but it was the same kind of love that I have for my brother. Trust me, that is horrible for a sex life!!

So really all was pretty normal except I put death in my lungs for years and I broke a mans heart. So maybe those decisions really shaped where I am right now. A thirty year old woman facing the chance that I may never be a mother. Maybe karma for dumping the guy is creeping in.

Maybe every cigarette I put to my lips sealed my fate. Maybe with every puff, I chose the life that I am living now. Maybe it means that I chose to do that to myself, but I can't chose to have a child watch it's mother die of lung cancer. My husband knew the risks and he took it anyway, but a child doesn't have a choice. I quit many years ago, so I am praying my lungs are getting healthier, but maybe I dug the grave too deep for redemption. It has to be something.