Pity Party for One Please

It has to be something. It just has to be. Something that I have done that makes me and my husband worse than all of those that are so easily blessed with children and yet squander that blessing every moment of every day.

Today I spent some time going through all those past moments and cross roads in my life. Thinking about all the decisions that had to be made and how I made them. Thinking about the decisions that lead me to where I am right now. Wondering if those decisions and the life I lived is why I am facing all of this.

I feel like I had a pretty normal child-hood. I did struggle as a teenager. The worst decision I ever made was that I started smoking. Yes, for years that shit made it into my lungs on a daily basis. I smoked pot on occasion and drank some especially in college, but nothing too shocking.

As for the rest of it, everything was pretty normal. I graduated high school, I went to college, I got a degree, and I got an advanced degree. I do well in my non-profit career. I volunteer, I donate to worthy causes, I love and care for those around me.

I dated a man not my husband for 5 years and broke up with him right when he was going to propose. I knew it wasn't right. I loved him and still do, but it was the same kind of love that I have for my brother. Trust me, that is horrible for a sex life!!

So really all was pretty normal except I put death in my lungs for years and I broke a mans heart. So maybe those decisions really shaped where I am right now. A thirty year old woman facing the chance that I may never be a mother. Maybe karma for dumping the guy is creeping in.

Maybe every cigarette I put to my lips sealed my fate. Maybe with every puff, I chose the life that I am living now. Maybe it means that I chose to do that to myself, but I can't chose to have a child watch it's mother die of lung cancer. My husband knew the risks and he took it anyway, but a child doesn't have a choice. I quit many years ago, so I am praying my lungs are getting healthier, but maybe I dug the grave too deep for redemption. It has to be something.

Bitter Sweet

There I was lying on a table with my legs spread, some asshole of an RE between them, and my awesome thigh high 5 inch black leather boots up in stirrups thinking how in the hell did I end up here?

We had our first RE appointment yesterday. After the d!ldo-cam ultrasound the Doc said that my uterus and ovaries look great and that I have a lot of follicles. I do need to get blood work done, but the RE was optimistic that it would come out just fine. That was the only good news from yesterday.

The bad news is that they did another semen analysis on Mr. Scuba and they only found 1 sperm this time. The also did a urinalysis to check for retro-grade ejaculation, but no dice. The blood work came back and showed that he had low testosterone and high-normal FSH. The RE said that showed he likely has a hormonal problem that is unlikely to be corrected enough to do anything but IVF with ICSI. Our appointment with the MFI specialist is March 2nd, so we will have to wait until then for more concrete answers.

As for the RE.... he was such a jerk. He treated me like an inconsequential bimbo. He talked to my husband and not me. He called me "cute" when I expressed my concerns about the unnaturalness of IVF and how much that upset me. As if I was the only person who ever had a problem with that. He was acting like he was a super-hero, here to fix all our problems through magical IVF, and why wasn't I more appreciative of all he had to offer. I just wanted to scream at him and tell him "get a grip, you are giving us some of the worst news of our lives so get over yourself and have a heart!" Unfortunately he has the only IF clinic in the whole State, so it is not like I have an option. He does have a partner that I might want to go to, but he is supposed to be the best. Oh well I guess.



Reason #5 I love Mr. Scuba: Somehow he still managed to make me feel beautiful yesterday!

Thankful Thursday

I keep thinking about what would I have done had I known about these fertility issues earlier. Would I have tried earlier, saved more money, traveled less?

Honestly, I am incredibly thankful for the 3 years I had married to my Husband when the future was as amazing as our minds would allow. Where we could just sit and enjoy the simple moments we had together. The amazing adventures we had traveling. The love of diving that grew with every trip. The amazing love for each other that grew and grew with every moment. I am thankful for those spectacular times together before we knew the hardships that we would face.

It was those moments, those times that allow us to go through this worry and pain together. It was that time that allows us to know that even without the dream of a child we will still love each other and we will still be OK.

Today, as crazy as it sounds, I am so thankful that we waited to try to have children.

Optimism

My new goal - to be as optimistic as possible! Until all hope is gone I will muster up every last ounce of optimism that my soul will allow me to have. Trust me, this is extremely difficult for me to do, but I am determined!

I have my first appointment with a RE on Friday and am a bit nervous, but will remain optimistic. Mr. Scuba has an appointment with a specialist in MFI on March 2. So hopefully we will be getting answers and maybe some much needed good news soon!!

Reason #4 I love Mr. Scuba - He is always full of optimism!

Reason #3

Reason #3 I love Mr. Scuba: He actually told me that he was happy to bear this burden for us. He said that if it had to be one of us he was glad it was him, because us as women have to go through so much already. Wow.

The Rumors Are Rampant!

So, a little back-story... on Thursday when I got the call from DH about the SA, I lost it. I ran out of work in massive sobbing tears.

Anyway, as ridiculous as it may sound, I just couldn't bring myself to go to work on Friday. I was full on in wallow world. It was a good thing this happened so close to the weekend!

So when I got back to work on Monday, I really tried to act normal and be upbeat. I guess I must be as transparent as glass because everyone was asking what was wrong. The laughs did start though when I learned of all the rumors that had spread about why I was not at work on Friday:

1. I was fired - yikes!
2. I quit
3. miscarriage
4. death in the family
5. Mr. Scuba cheated

I never realized how crazy the telephone game can get with the few ingredients of sobbing in my office and not showing up to work the next day.

No one there knows, and I am sure even given my attempts to stop the rumors that they will continue to grow and morph. I just can't stand the thought of every single piece of my life being infiltrated by this. So, no one will know. Unless absolutely necessary, they can think what they want and talk as much as they want. If this is selfish of me, so be it.

Today I will live my life as if I can get through all of this without the entire office knowing my business!

Reason #2

Reason #2 I love Mr. Scuba: Today he made me yummy eggs and toast for breakfast! mmmmm mmmm good!

Super Bowl Sunday - The Scubas vs IF!!

It's so crazy to think that so many people's biggest concern right now is who will win the Super Bowl.

This is my Super Bowl Sunday:

Who will win? It's anybody's guess! ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!

Today I will live as if... The most important part of my day is who wins the Super Bowl - Go TEAM!

Reason #1

Reason #1 I love my husband: Even during a time like this, he can still make me laugh. My favorite quote from him yesterday - "Honey, you know this happened because you've been busting my balls too much right?"

Where Did the Air Go?

I find myself gasping for air, feeling as if I will drown. How did this happen? What happened to my fairy-tail?

Where to begin... well I guess we can start with the bad news, or possibly the most devastating news I have ever received. There I was, in my office, my beautiful office filled with happy orchids, paintings, and framed degrees. The call came in from my husband, 4. The results from his semen analysis after 7 months of two responsible adults trying to get pregnant had come in. Four. Not 4 million, or 4 thousand, or 4 hundred, but 4. 4, although very healthy and mobile, only 4 sperm in his sample. The air was gone, I was gasping. The room started spinning. My room of success, my room of accomplishment started spinning with all the air sucked out and leaving me gasping for breath. 4.

How could this be? I live every day dealing with child abusers, child molesters, drug addicts, drug dealers, murderers, thieves, all with children. Either with children or pregnant as they shove another needle filled with death into their veins. How could two amazingly responsible adults be the ones who are now faced with never having children?

I will never have an answer to the questions posed above other than life is not fair, and it never will be. I sit here in the night wondering, why? Why was god/fate this cruel? What had we done to deserve this? Of course I sound selfish as hell, because lord knows I am not the only one facing these dilemmas. In fact it was the comfort of another brave and amazing woman's blog who inspired me to write. As the tears rolled down my face uncontrollably while reading her incredible and painful experiences, it occurred to me maybe somehow my journey will be of some use to someone else out there.

Today I will live as if there is still some hope that IVF is not our only answer for biological children.