Beautiful Poem

I am pretty new at all of this infertility stuff, but this poem really really touched me. Enjoy!

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that ...I have read more books,

but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

 I have endured and planned over and over again.

 Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

 I will notice everything about my child.

 I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

 I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

 My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which

I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. 

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.

I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face,

yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother..."

-Unknown.

Slowly Coming Out of the IF Closet

Mr. Scuba told me about a week ago that keeping our struggles a secret makes things more hurtful for him, so he would rather our family and close friends just know. So, as scary as it was we started telling people. We have been getting a wide range of comments. Some incredibly offensive, and some very supportive.

We told my brother-in-law who has been suffering with IF for 12 years and just got divorced from his wife over it. That one wasn't fun, but I am glad he knows.

My mother-in-law told us that we should not tell anyone because if we have to use donor sperm no one would have to know. Really? Really? This isn't something we should be ashamed of MIL!! Whatever journey we have to take to become parents is our journey and shame shouldn't have to be a part of it, EVER!! She said some other good things as well, but I was jaded at that point. Father-in-law didn't say much other than if we need anything that they are there for us.



We told both my brothers. I think I was the most afraid of telling them. Both took it like a champ. They were so supportive and wonderful and said all the right things. After a long conversation with my older brother about the whole process he said "so basically you are going to pay a whole lot of money for a spin of a roulette wheel which is likely to end up on heartbreak?" Yup that about sums it up!

I am glad the people close to us know, but it is so scary because there are that many more people now to be disappointed if this doesn't work. God I hope this all works!

Frogfish Love

We just got back from our FU IF vacation in Maui yesterday and I HATED to come back to reality!! We had an incredible vacation - more on that later. 

While we were there I had a couple of amazing infertility related moments, but one I would really like to share. 

As we were diving I spotted an amazingly rare sight. Two frog fish were hanging out on the rail of a sunken ship literally holding fins! The dive master came and explained on an underwater slate that it was a male and a female and the female was soooo full that she was ready to burst with eggs. I immediately thought OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome)!! No kidding! The male was there to help her release the eggs and then to fertilize the eggs once they were released. The dive master said that she would release within hours. (The picture to the left was taken on that dive by the dive master. If you look at the orange ball on the left, that is the female all puffed up with eggs. On the bar are their fins, and the not as bright orange fish on the right is the male. You can kind of see that he is not as round and huge as she is. Yes, I know they are strange looking fish! Google frogfish if you want to see what the whole fish looks like). 

Mr. Scuba and I looked at each other and I actually started crying underwater!! He knew exactly why. To me it felt like a moment that we were meant to witness. I felt so close to those beautiful fish, because that is how Mr. Scuba and I are going to make babies. Get me so full of eggs that I am going to nearly explode and then have him there to hold my hand and to fertilize (with a bit of help from the lab of course). 

I may be crazy, but that once in a lifetime moment really felt like a sign saying that everything is going to be OK, even though this isn't happening the way I thought it would. 

Reason #6

Reason #6 I love Mr. Scuba is that he is an AMAZING travel partner. If I only had one person to travel with the rest of my life, it would certainly be him!

New Plan

Ok, so invited or not, the bitch is coming with us on vacation. If that is the only thing that goes wrong, I think I will be OK with that.

So AF is going to be here tonight or tomorrow so I could get my blood-work done before I leave, but honestly I don't want to worry about the results while we are relaxing on the beach. Also, it it is bad news, then it would ruin our vacation, and I know I am not strong enough to wait until I get back to find out!! DH agrees. So, b/w will have to wait until next cycle and I really think I am OK with that.

3 days and counting until paradise!! Yay!

FU AF!!!

FU Aunt Flo!! Seriously? For the first time in forever I actually want you to show up and you are completely MIA! With all the stress this cycle has endured I know I ovulated late so you are right around the corner, but didn't you get the memo that you are NOT invited on our FU IF vacation? Why do you only show up when you are not wanted?!

Furthermore, I need to get my CD3 blood-work done and I want it done before we go to Hawaii. If that doesn't happen we will have to wait another full cycle before getting it done. I deserve some good news right now, and if it is bad news, I deserve to know sooner rather than later. I certainly deserve to know before Mr. Scuba starts putting huge needles in his ass!

The worst part is you have me thinking some how in some crazy world, maybe I am KU... and then comes reality. I really really really hate you!

So in sum, Aunt Flo, you better show up or else!!

Amazing Gift

My parents are simply amazing. They have been wonderfully supportive since we got our news. When they found out that we needed to get a loan in order to afford the IVF cycle, rather than us going to the bank, they handed us a check for $15,000!! I just cried and cried. It is a loan of course and we will be paying back the money, but I still couldn't believe their generosity. I pray we can give them the "interest" on their loan that they are really hoping for!!