Today was better, and then...

I made the fatal mistake of going on facebook - in my messages was this:

Hey guys!! Long time no see. We have news.... I'm pregnant  (4mos) I'm not into posting such things on facebook but we wanted you to know. Let me know when you are around and have time to hang out. We'd love to see you.


I actually didn't cry at first. This is the we will never have kids couple, and I actually believed them. They truly did not seem the type.

Then, after giving my husband yet another shot in the ass, and then being intimate just enough to get his sample in the cup, I went into the bathroom and cried my eyes out. He didn't know and I couldn't let him see. Oh and the analysis was another big fat 0. Fuck facebook.

Today sucks

Going out of my mind at work, fighting like crazy with Mr. Scuba, everyone trying to take advantage of me, and oh, the photo of the article "beyonce flaunts her bump" I had to see before signing in to check my email nearly pushed me over the edge. 

I just want today to end!!

Knitting Again!!

Here is baby blanket #2. I knitted this one for my friend who is pregnant. I felt a bit bad about walking out on dinner and not talking to her for months and wanted to let her know somehow that I still care. (http://livingwithif.blogspot.com/2011/07/walked-out-on-dinner.html)

Here is the new blanket:

I ran off before she could actually open the gift, but she left me a voicemail telling me she loved it!

So Strange

We did another home count today and well it was quite void of anything. It is so so strange how in less than 2 months we can go from 0 to 500,000 and then back to 0. WTF?! I just don't understand what is going on. Are we bleeding the lines, or was this a last ditch effort by Mr. Scuba's testicles before complete death?

I must admit though that I am so very thankful of the 6 vials of sperm we do have. That is something that couples with our dx rarely get.

The Roller Coaster Continues

We are back to 4 sperm, right where we started. I have no idea what is going on. Our RE was not very encouraging. Even with the 500,000 sample and the 250,000 sample frozen, he called that minuscule amounts and suggested that may not be enough on it's own. Even if that is true, he has such a terrible way of delivering news. I am back to being annoyed by him. He even recommended donor sperm again even though we made it very clear twice already that is not an option for us! We will have a follow up with Mr. Scuba's doc at the beginning of September and he may have some better or at least more compassionately delivered news for us. We are thinking that the fluctuations may be normal and we may just be "bleeding the system". At least we hope so.

The plan: I will start the birth control pills at the start of my next cycle. Mr. Scuba will keep testing at home with the microscope. If we see another spike then we will send him back to the lab to attempt another freeze. We will start IVF in November. Hopefully by then Mr. Scuba can get more samples frozen and maybe bleed the system enough so that we can get a fresh sample as well. We will have Mr. Scuba's doctor on stand-by in case they can't get a fresh sample, all the frozen ones are dead, and they need to pull some out of the testicles themselves.

I was hoping to start IVF much sooner, but this will continue my lessons in patience. I may actually learn the art after all!

Glass Sperm

250,000 of them!!! That was just the rough estimate. There may be more. The lab tech did a quick off the top sample before it had completely liquified. She wanted to give Mr. Scuba an idea of what we were getting before we left. They have been amazingly understanding of how emotional this process is for us. My RE's office has been gaining a lot of points during this process!

So now we have glass sperm. Rather than use the classic cryopreservation, our lab is using a state of the art method called vitrification. Using this process gives us better survival rates after thaw. They take the whole sample and drop it into liquid nitrogen and freeze it very quickly. This actually puts the sperm into a glass state!!! So cool!

I am just so relieved that we now have some back-up. This might actually happen!

Our 4th Anniversary

We have had 4 amazing years together. It is amazing to me that I continue to fall more and more in love with my husband with every passing day.

Reason #8 I love my husband - he got us a mini-replica of our wedding cake for our anniversary dessert. He is so amazing!

And Our Official Lab Count is...

I cried tears of joy!!! This feels so unreal! They froze the sample yesterday and thawed part of it out today with a 50% survival rate. That is more than enough for our IVF cycle. I am so unbelievably happy! We might actually have a chance at this! He need to get a couple more good samples frozen, so our next is Friday.

I emailed Mr. Scuba's Urologist about our results and within hours he called me personally to congratulate Mr. Scuba's testicles! He is such an amazing doctor and we are so blessed to have him. He is really encouraged by this and thinks we should strike while the iron is hot, so as soon as the RE gets back from vacation we will find out how soon we can cycle!