My Niece Hates Me

And I think I died a little inside.

We were at my in-laws for memorial day and my sister-in-law had her beautiful 9 month old baby girl with her. I went to pick her up and she burst out crying. I tried to feed her and she wouldn't eat, just cry. When I was holding her bottle for her, she made eye contact with me and just started screaming. The problem was that everyone else was fine for her. I was the ONLY one there that made her cry. She was terrified of me. This is the little girl who loved me when she was first born. Her mother was amazed at how comfortable she was with me then, back when we had no idea what we would have to go through to try to have a child. It's like somehow she knows, somehow my baby niece knows that I may never be a mother.

I could only take this for so long before I had a major bathroom breakdown. I came out with eye-drops to hide the obvious signs of the tears I had just shed. I cried all the way home. Someone please tell me this gets better, please, please!

Mr. Scuba's Testosterone Quadrupled!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!!!!!! I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!

We got the results from Mr. Scuba's blood work today and the Doc told us that his total testosterone went from 2.3 to 8.6!!! 8.6 is on the high side of normal! The testosterone went up 4 fold in just 4 weeks!

He did say the estrogen was a bit high at this point as well but he believes that the body will adjust properly.

I am just so happy. We really needed some good news and we got it!! Now for some super sperm at the next semen analysis in July.

I Love My Mom!

So Mother's Day was difficult for me as I imagine it was for most IFers. So I did the thing, I planted the rose bush with my Mom, hung out with the family, helped make dinner for MIL, kissed the babies... then went home and cried my eyes out!

I know I was being selfish in that moment, but I had done the unselfish thing all day. I had listened to all the baby stories, I had celebrated the day and I had done it all with a smile on my face. But in the moment of tears quiet and alone in my house I wondered if anyone had thought about what I was going through. I was sure they didn't, but of course I couldn't blame them. Even though they know what I am going through, this was their day.

Then I got the phone call from my Mom. She told me that she wanted to tell me that she knew that this day must have been so painful, more so than she could imagine. Then she said that she just knew that we would be celebrating Mother's day together next year and that she was praying for that every day. My mother is so incredible and so graceful and understanding. I am so lucky to have her in my life.