April Fools!!

This was a good one!! Let me set the scene: Infertile couple (us) feeling lonely and isolated in the middle of our infertile hell decide to go to a friend's BBQ the night before. Couple has a fantastic time, meets another great couple same age, similar interests, no kids, who were lots of fun! Things were starting to looking up. Fast-forward to today i.e. April fool's day. All new friends go out to lunch and here it comes... are you ready... of course she is pregnant. April fools!!! We actually thought we could have a new set of great friends to have a good time with and not have to deal with IF all the time. What a silly silly girl I was to think that we could get out of this that easy. Now they are relegated to the group of people I might be able to spend time with again if this ever works. It is hard enough to deal with a pregnancy of a good friend let alone people we just met.

I made it through the lunch and just got to my car before the ugly crying started. I am so angry and bitter these days. I was hoping to get back to a better place and I felt like we were really getting there. I feel pathetic that something so small could be my undoing these days. April fools!

Update

so we had our WTF with our regular clinic yesterday. Dr. said that he wouldn't change the protocol because other than not getting pregnant, it was a successful cycle. (13 eggs, 12 , fert, 8 on day 5, 1 expanded blast transfered, 4 grade 2 blasts frozen). He does want to do genetic testing of the blasts and for that procedure they do vitrify the embryos for cryo because there is no fresh transfer. They would biopsy the embryos that make it to blast and then freeze them all. Once we get the results of the biopsy, they will then do a frozen transfer about 8 weeks later of the normal embryos. I was really concerned that our clinic does not do vitrification because the survival rate is a lot better that way. That is why we decided to do a consult with CCRM. However, our clinic does do vitrification for the CGH genetic testing, so we felt a lot better. 

I was underwhelmed by my CCRM consult. The doc just seemed uninterested. He did say that he would use the same protocol also because It seemed to work well the first time. He also recommended CGH due to the severe MFI and the 2 failed cycles. He also recommended a HSG which I haven't had before. He said that blocked tubed can cause a backup of toxic fluid in the uterus and impede IVF implantation. He also recommended a biopsy of the endometrial lining, but at our WTF my doc said it wasn't a great test, that it is painful and not a great predictor, and wouldn't really change a lot anyway.

So I called my clinic today and they agreed to do the HSG. They also gave us a few financial incentives to help keep our business since we are 100% out of pocket and the CGH is pretty expensive.

Now we have to decide whether to get DH back on the meds for the very small chance of fresh sperm at retrieval while delaying our next cycle 6 months, or do we rely on our frozen stash which we will likely use anyway and cycle in June. 


Any and all opinions, thoughts, advise welcome!

Too Much

I can't even believe I held it together this week. I had to spend 2 days this week evaluating child care facilities in the area. That of course included being in the infant rooms for what seemed like forever. I had to stare into the beautiful eyes of these incredible little babies and keep tears from pouring out of my eyes. 

In the middle of all of that I had to go to a friend's house for dinner and goo and gaa over her amazing 2 week old baby boy. I was so thankful that he slept in the corner most of the time. He really was beautiful and it tore me up inside. Somehow I kept up the smiles and never let on how much it killed me inside. Tomorrow, I am supposed to go have breakfast with my sister-in-law and her 2 incredible kids. 

I just don't know how to keep doing this. I have no emotional strength left in me. I am completely done. I don't even have it in me to cry anymore. Even as I put one foot in front of the other to keep moving forward I feel more and more dead inside. I wish I knew how to live through this. 

Persistence

It Never Gets Easier

Beta is back and of course it is another big fat fucking negative.

How many times am I going to have to pick up the pieces of my heart and put them back together?

What did we do so horribly wrong to make us so unworthy of a child of our own no matter how hard we try?

There should be an infertile island where people like us can go and not be bombarded by everything baby and we can live out our lives in peace with little umbrella drinks and nice sandy beaches.

Tag You're It!

Apparently the IF blog world is playing a fun game of tag. I have been tagged by both Living our Life in Cycles and Katib77 at The Juice is Worth the Squeeze and am feeling the love! I guess if you get tagged twice, you are supposed to do the first one and not the second, but I decided that I am going to do the evens from one and the odds from the other

Here are the tagging rules:

1) post the rules
2) answer the 11 questions from the person who tagged you
3) create 11 NEW questions for the people you tag (I have a feeling this is going to be the hard part!)
4) tag as many people as you like and link them to your post
5) let them know they have been tagged

Here are my questions from Living our Life in Cycles, I am doing the evens:

2. What is your favorite app on your cell phone- if you have that kind of phone: Pandora is my all time favorite, but right now I also am really into "cut the rope"

4. If you have any super power what would you choose? Why? I would fly for sure! I love to travel, but hate flying in those planes!

6. What is your favorite season? I really love them all for a lot of different reasons, but if I had to pick one, I think it would be Spring. All the flowers coming up, it is just warming up enough to not need a jacket, but not too warm that you are sweltering in heat.

8. If you HAD to move to another state or country where would you go? Australia for sure! We were supposed to move there a couple of years ago, but it fell through. The Scuba diving there is awesome and the people seem like so much fun!

10. Biggest pet peeve? When people put a "b" in the pronunciation of supposedly and pronounce it supposubly. Drives me INSANE! That and people chewing with there mouth wide open like I want to see the progress of their chewing!


OK, here are the odd questions from Katib77 at The Juice is Worth the Squeeze

1. What song reminds you of your childhood? The Sound of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel. My uncle got me a walkman when I was about 7 or 8 and I didn't own any tapes, so he gave me his copy of Simon and Garfunkel. I listened to them all the time!!

3.  Name the part of a Man's body you find most attractive:  It it a total tossup between his smile and his arms. I love me a pair of big strong buff arms!

5. What movie makes you feel like a teenager again? Dirty Dancing!

7. What is a "guilty pleasure" of yours? Hmmmm.... I love reading Scuba magazines and fantasizing about our next trip.

9. If I gave you a plane ticket to anywhere, where would you go? There are soooo many places, I have no idea how I would pick just one! Probably Egypt so I could hook up with a live-aboard and go diving in the Red Sea. That is tied with Australia!

11. What is something you're afraid of? Right now, probably the same as most of us, never being a mother.

Ok, now here are the questions you get to answer!!

1. Where is your most favorite place that you have traveled?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. Who cooks at home?
4. How often do you go out to eat?
5. What is your most favorite movie of all time?
6. Cat or dog?
7. What flowers were in your wedding bouquet?
8. How many of the 50 states have you been to?
9. What decorations do you have on the walls of your bedroom?
10. Where did you go on your honeymoon?
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? To play?

The blogs I am tagging are: (I am trying to tag blogs that I haven't already seen tagged, but if you get double tagged, no worries, either ignore or you can do what I did)

Heather at Hoping Wishing Praying
Becky at This Blissful Journey
Katie at Our Baby Journey
Kechara at Jessie's Infertility Journal


Have fun ladies!

2 Scubababies on Board!

We just got home from our embryo transfer. It was a wonderful experience. We started out with the pre-transfer acupuncture treatment, then went to the doc for transfer. The thawed 3 embryos because 1 didn't make it. So we have one snowbaby left.

The transfer went very smoothly. There was no pain this time which was certainly not the case the first time around. Then we went back to the acupuncturist for the post-transfer treatment. Then home to rest for the next 2 days.

God, please please please, I am on my knees begging, please let these be our healthy happy take home babies!