Why the Hesitation?

Ever since I started blogging, I love it. I love the outlet and I love the record. Lately though I have been super hesitant to post anything. I have no idea why. Am I being lazy, is it not giving me what it once was? Honestly I think things are going well and the more I talk about it the faster it will slip through my fingers. If I shout from the roof-tops, whatever good luck it is that we seem to be getting lately will disappear as fast as it came.

Well, here is my update. Of the 8 that fertilized, 7 of them made it to blast. 4 made it on day 5 and 3 more on day 6!! We were unbelievably shocked. That many making it to blast was so unexpected. Then we were told to wait about 3 weeks for our genetics report.   I was out on the little boat at Lake Powell with my little brother and my 2 cousins. We went out into the only place on the lake that we had cell service. I checked my messages and never expected to hear one from my Doctor. Then the news: 4 genetically normal embryos!!!!!!!!! I screamed so loud while listening to the message that my throat hurt for days! Needless to say that us keeping this cycle to ourselves ended at that moment. I screamed and then jumped into the lake. We then went back to the houseboat and I ran to Mr. S crying with the news. It was such a wonderful moment. That was so much better than we had even dared hope for. 4 normal babies waiting on ice to come into our lives.

We then needed to decide about when to transfer. I could get on birth control for an August transfer, but I think we both just felt like we needed a bit of a break. I really wanted to get this show on the road ASAP, but we need to spend some time med free enjoying the summer as well. So it looks like we are on track for a September transfer. I am still so scared that my body is part of the problem and will somehow kill our healthy embryos. I guess there is only one way to find out!

Retrieval and Fert Report Update

We got 10 eggs. Quite a bit fewer than was expected, but not bad by any means. 8 of the 10 fertilized, so that is a pretty good fertilization rate. Now we wait to see if we do a 3 day transfer, 5 day transfer, or if we get enough embryos to do the biopsy and freeze them all. It's going to be a long few days.

As far as the retrieval went, well it didn't go so well. The anesthesiologist sucked. He couldn't find a good vein and was poking all over. That sucked. Then for no reason at all I started crying and could not stop. Finally they just put me out just to get me to stop. I felt horrible and emotional all day long. Uhhggg, IF just does horrible things to us!

Update

Ok, so the doctor called because he forgot he had already told me that he wanted me to come in today. So everything is actually good. I feel better! Looks like everything is on track for a Wednesday retrieval!

Worrisome call

So I had my monitoring appointment today. Everything seemed fine. The follies are all growing well. There was one a bit bigger than the others but doc wasn't concerned. He said they would check the estrogen levels and would only call if there was a problem. Well.... He called and of course I missed it. He said that my estrogen is at 1200 which apparently is high. He wants to check me out again tomorrow. Of course there was no call back number so I wasn't able to ask what any of this means. I am nervous for tomorrow. I could use good thoughts and vibes if you can spare some.

Follie Check

looks like we have about 16 follies growing at all the same pace. So far so good.

Stim day 1

AF came, so stims are on.

150 follistim - AM - check!
2 vials menopur - PM - check!

I forgot just how much that menopur burns!!!

Come on follies - GROW

Baseline and Mayhem

BASELINE

Our baseline appointment went OK today. I have fewer follicles than the last time so that worries me a bit.  As everyone says it is quality over quantity, but when we need a good number of embryos for biopsy, it is really hard not to want to play the numbers game.

We have been doing so much health wise. Better food, better exercise, less stress, no alcohol, so all of that should help the quality. Mr. Scuba calls the follies vine-ripened.

We do have a cancelation looming though. My lining is too thick, so if my period doesn't show by tomorrow evening, I may be canceled. Relying on something that only shows when I don't want it just seems silly.

One really sweet thing about the appointment was when we were leaving they were playing the song we danced to at our wedding in the lobby. "come away with me" by Norah Jones

MAYHEM

don't let her cuteness fool you!

So last night, well actually this morning very very early at 2am, my cat got into a huge fight. I knew she was in trouble the second I heard her. Nothing makes my heart stop quite like that sound. I jumped out of bed and ran outside in my underwear just in time to keep a huge cat from whomping on my very scrappy, but very little cat. My poor kitty certainly had some fur missing and was very shaken up.

I cursed my luck thinking that this had to be a bad sign for this to happen the day of my beta. Then I started thinking, this was actually a perfect thing to happen. That moment reminded me that maybe I can cut it as a mom. I know it is only one moment, but in that moment, I heard my furbaby in need and I went from a full deep sleep to out the door in less than 30 seconds. I didn't stop to think that I didn't want to wake up at 2am. I didn't stop to think to put on some more appropriate clothing before running outside. I just ran out of bed and to the aid of my kitty who needed me and it never even crossed my mind to do otherwise.

Maybe I will be a decent mom after all? Dare I let myself dream?